Crap Television

I’ve been assigned to help on a segment for the show. Pretty exciting, right?

Well as the title of this entry hints at, it’s not. I have to pour though tons of photos and find people who look like their pets. This is a tried and true segment that always gets a chuckle form the troglodytes.

I’ve seen this bit done on every show and I never even though about the poor schmuck who had to find ones that worked. So take a moment to think about this schmuck.

Done? Let’s move on.

As I’m sure you can well imagine, a criteria needs to be established in selecting these photos. Her is the criterion that I created in case you feel like sending in a photo of your pet that bares a striking resemblance to you.

1. You can’t make a face so you look more like your pet.
2. If you look like your cat, we’ll take it. It’s very hard for a person to look like a cat.
3. If you look like your lizard, it’s time to consider moisturizing.
4. We will not put up a picture of a guy with his rat if the guy looks Jewish. It’s a political decision.
5. Just because you put glasses on your pet (and you wear glasses) does not guarantee a spot.
6. Putting glasses, pasting sideburns and putting a bow tie on your pet will guarantee a spot. (It’s a tricky rule that falls to a vote by committee as far as props are concerned.)
7. If you dress up like Luke Skywalker and you dress your dog up like Yoda, odds are you just need to get laid. Plus you and your pet do not look alike. You look like a morbidly obese Luke Skywalker and your bulldog looks like he’s wearing your mom’s bathrobe.
8. I can’t stress this enough: We need more cats people!
9. Nobody looks like his or her horse from head on. Maybe in profile, but never head on.
10. Children are not pets…and if they don’t look like you start taking a closer look at whom your wife has been hanging out with. (I learned that last part from watching too much Maury Povitch.)

That’s about it. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to see if James L. from Wisconsin looks like his Golden Retriever named Butterlump…nope, next.

R.I.P.’s

These are a little late, but I figured I should comment on them since both of these gentlemen have had an impact on my life.

Robert Altman passed away. There was and is no one else that can make a movie like Robert Altman. He was hit or miss as far as his success rate, but you can’t deny that every film he made held his stamp. From the long lens to the overlapping dialog, he could make something special out of just being a witness to life.


When I was around fifteen, I rented M.A.S.H and watched it at least seven times that weekend. I’d finish it, rewind the tape and start right over again. I was rewinding scenes to pay attention to what each character was saying as dialog overlapped and the jokes were several layers deep. It is an incredible experience and still one of the best anti-war movies that exist today. It ranks up there with Duck Soup, it’s that good.

He has plenty of other classics: The Long Goodbye, McCabe & Mrs. Miller, California Split, Streamers, The Player, Short Cuts, Nashville. Hell even Popeye is one of those movies I saw repeatedly as a kid.

Even if you don’t like Robert Altman movies, he has a couple that anyone could enjoy like Cookies Fortune or Prairie Home Companion. If you don’t like those flicks, you have no heart.

He enjoyed a good drink, a good joint and was always able to make films he wanted to make. He directed theater, opera and I believe painted as well. I could be wrong on that last one; it’s been a while since I read his bio. He did love him the good weed though, that’s a fact.

I am glad that he was here to give use/me so many great films and I will honestly miss the fact that there will be no more…Except fro Dr. T and the Women, that could be buried with him.

The second great loss this week is Philippe Noiret. You will remember him as the projectionist from Cinema Paradiso. He also played Pablo Neruda in The Postman.


He was an excellent actor that always seemed to bring a certain sense of life to any character he portrayed. I can’t really say more about him, because I don’t know that much about him or his life.

A couple of movies you could check out are Coup De Torchon, Life and Nothing But and La Grande Bouffe. I probably spelled all of those wrong.

Anyway. Two men who really added something to that thing we call cinema.

I will miss you both. Thank you for all you’ve given me

Hollywood Moment

I keep forgetting to write about this, but remembered yesterday when I was asked about some of the things that have happened at work.

I was at the studio about a week ago taking a break and catching some fresh air outside. A truck was unloading some set pieces and a couple of guys were hauling set pieces into a stage. Two stagehands were hauling a backdrop across my point of view and from the left hand side comes a PA, clipboard held close to the chest and a headset planted firmly on her head. Walking a step behind her was a midget, dwarf, little person, (wait for it)…in a leprechaun costume.

I did a true double take. I glanced around quickly to see if a couple of showgirls or Superman would be walking about. Maybe Pee Wee Herman trucking by on his bicycle being chased by security guards, but no go.

I did notice that the stagehands had stopped to watch the leprechaun walk through the studio and disappear into a stage where the red light of cameras rolling quietly blinked. One of the stagehands looked over at me and we shared a quick moment of, “Hey, we’re in showbiz!”

A classic clichéd moment that we never really expected to ever see, but did.

Only in Hollywood.

100th Post

Yesterday's post was my 100th.

In celebration of ths monumental event I'd like to recap for the new readers (of which there are 0) so they don't need to go back and mull through all my ramblings.

In order of time.

1. Moved to L.A. and feelin' freaked out.

2. Unemployed and feelin' freaked out.

3. Single and feelin' freaked out.

4. Employed and feelin' freaked out.

5. 2 years clean and sober, not freaked out that day.

6. On television and stone faced.

7. Inked and feelin' fine

8. Not getting laid and frustrated.



Welcome to the next 100 posts. 99 to go.

Shoot Me…Please

I have not been social with the folks at work much. I’ve never been asked to go out and I’ve never asked anyone if I could join in. This is mostly due to the fact that I feel shy and awkward in social situations and second because of the clicks at work.

Clicks you ask. Didn’t those things end after high school? Yeah, I though so too, but they form mostly due to the different departments having their own in jokes and basically their own language.

So here’s the rundown using the Krasmokinov high school comparison chart created in 1862 by Ivanovitch Krasmokinov who was the first to study the formation of clicks.

Production = Cool Kids (Jocks, Cheerleaders, etc.)

Post = Nerds & Geeks

Script = Punks & Freaks

Marketing/P.R. = The Smart kids who everyone talked to.

Execs = Principal, Vice Principal and other staff members.

So where does that put the web department? Well according to the people I asked, they said we were the kids who were always in detention. That made a lot of sense to me, that's what it feels like. The executives always are checking in to see if we’re behaving properly, but leave us alone as long as we are quiet. People from every other department end up stopping in for a few minutes like they were sent to detention for an afternoon, but knew they were leaving. And finally, I’m stuck at work until all hours while everyone else has headed down to the corner store for a phosphate. So that’s where I fit in, permanent detention. I’ve gotten off point.

So yesterday I’m hearing all of the Friday night plans being made. All of the different clicks deciding which bar they are going to hit that night and as usual I’ll be at work until midnight, quietly serving out my detention and cleaning erasers.

Then the unthinkable happens. One of the Cool kids asks if I want to join her and some of the others for drinks. (At this point she did that little back arch thing so her boobs stood out. My dick jerked, so I know I’m still functioning properly.) I explained my situation and she looked a little disappointed. I suddenly felt very frustrated as she walked away, heels clicking on the tile, well shaped hips swaying underneath a black skirt. She has that long wavy hair that imitates a rolling sea, awesome reigns in moments of animalistic behavior. Aw, fuck!

Not ten minutes later, I’m asked to go hang out with a different group from the Cool kids. This time she’s a blonde, thicker curves, but those blue eyes that are just wicked with electricity. (A.G. think Kath’s eyes.) Again I explain that I’m stuck at work until all hours. Her response, “Well, think about it. We’ll be there a while.” She walks away, tight plaid skirt black tights and boots. What the fuck?

So there I am stuck in detention until 11:00 last night, my only company being Howie Mandel trying to give away one million dollars on one of the most inane game shows ever.

I burned off a bunch of sexual frustration with knee crunches and pushups, a prisoner in television industry jail. I still can’t do a cock push up. Give me time.

This has never happened before, why now? Maybe it’s a holiday spirit thing. Maybe it’s because I’m one of the few straight guys around the office. All I know is I’ve got to find a way to start sneaking out of detention.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Enjoy.

Slice Tease

Here's a taste of my latest emmy nominated performance.


Who seems more excited, me or Cheryl Hines?

Body Armor

Well, my right side was completed today.

The left side is still being designed and will be started in a few weeks. If you do too much at once, it takes its toll on the immune system and I don’t want to be out of commission.

Will I post pictures? That just takes the surprise out of seeing me, right?

I will say I’m very satisfied with the work and it feels very natural to me. Like it was there all the time and only I could see it.

Daniel, my artist is also very happy with the results and thinks it’s some of the best work and most challenging that he’s had to do for a while. Most of the time it’s for cartoon characters or other such drivel.

He’s very excited about the left side as we continue to discuss it. It’s a very original piece and not something he has done before. Does that mean there is more of a risk to screw it up? Nope, he just finds the concept and visual style new. Drawing is drawing and as long as he feels comfortable with what he’s doing, I feel comfortable. I trust him and that’s the most important thing that you need when working with anyone.



Oh and here’s an inside secret. Those tattoos that you see on the small of a woman’s back. The one that Vince Vaughn comments that, "it might as well be a bulls-eye" in Wedding Crashers. Well, among serious tattoo artists they have labeled them as “tramp stamps”.



And knowing is half the battle.

Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Good

So I was in another comedy piece today, but instead of being opposite Megan, I was opposite Cheryl Hines.

For those of you who don’t know her, see the picture below.



Yep, she plays Larry David’s wife Cheryl on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Best of all, I got to dress up like a slice of pizza. I was used throughout the piece and we’ll see what makes it and what hits the cutting room floor, but it was cool to meet her. She’s a real sweet lady, incredibly funny and sharp with improv. She was whipping stuff out that was just great. It’s no wonder she holds her own on Curb.

She’s also very skinny and did a quick pelvic thrust into me and I could actually feel her pelvic bone smash my hip. I mean beanpole skinny.

Hopefully the piece will come out well and I’ll post it next week when it’s played.

So Logy

I can't believe how much of an effect this little guy has had on me.



Actually, since I know how much other types of molecules have had on me I guess I can.

I want a Diet Dew reeaaaal bad.

Fax This

Have I said how much I love my job?

I’ll clarify so no one will think I’ve been sipping at the kool-aid and starting to like it.

The job takes about as much skill as putting on velcro shoes. I’ve been praying that no one has been training a monkey in the back office to save money. It’s the opportunity of extras that I get to perform that really excites me.

I’ve just finished my second employee “profile” webisode and it turned out pretty good. The most important part was I really got to stretch my skills, put them to practice and find solutions to questions that most people gave up on.

Here’s a still image from it. The page comes out of the fax and then her image starts to talk. It’s a little cheesy and fake looking, but it does the job and most people are surprised when it happens.




I’m slowly getting a very solid reel together. It is varied and shows lots of technique and skill. It is really exciting to me. I dig the fact that I’ve created two pieces that are very different in tone and style. Plus they look pretty pro for being shot on a consumer camera, no scripts, no sound equipment and no light.


Dating note:

Eve, the writer who I had mentioned before, was doing some major flirting with me last Friday. She was fired that night. Not because of the flirting, a bunch of the writers were fired. That’s just my luck (because it's about me not getting laid and not a poor woman who's out of a job). Ironic, funny in a sick way and I’m sure there is a little karma thrown in for flavor.

God, I'm a selfish prick.

Body Armor:

Tomorrow is day one, then another appointment next Sunday and I’ll have completed my right side. That’s the smaller pieces of work. The big one on my left side is going to take several weeks and I have been told will cause a type of pain that I have not yet experienced in life. So I’ve got that to look forward to. What’s life without pain?

I’m not allowed to drink caffeine for 24 hours before or after. So I’m ass dragging like a hippo right now. I’m amazed at how much I depend on caffeine to keep me going. This may be the beginning of no caffeine for a while. I don’t like the feeling of being so dependant on it. Then again, take away that, what else have I got to be addicted to?

It's Halloween... Right?

A quick note. It's a funny thing about Hollywood and I mean the real Hollywood, not the mythic dream like town that society envisions.

In the real Hollywood, everyday is Halloween. It's a big night tonight and Sunset was crowded with partygoers as I was driving home around 10:30. The funny thing was no one really looked much different than the freaks I normally see prowling at this hour. There were more of them and a few had funny costumes, but most looked like your garden variety Hollywoodite. Or is it Hoolywoodian? Whack jobs with hair sticking in all directions and too much makeup on.

I'll need to go into the real city versus the myth sometime soon, it is more and more interesting the deeper I look at it, but for now you'll get nothing and like it.

Happy Halloween.

Chicken Nachos+5 Mile Jog=Bad News

I think I've boiled down to its essence with that formula.



I can't really make it clearer and I don't think you'd want me too. I know I don't.

So that's that.

Our Zombie World

It’s an interesting sociological view when you run a website that is geared towards daytime television viewers.

See, on the site we have some viewer participation sections. People can send in creative photos and artwork, or send in five pictures and a description about who you are as a person. Sure, whatever. What is interesting is the response. Everyone is, “weird or kind of crazy.” Those quotes indicate the way they describe themselves. They feel they are so original and offbeat, just a wacky fun original person, unlike anyone else. But they are all the same. There is the picture of them making a funny face and there is always a picture of their cat looking out the window as if it’s a true artistic expression.

“See how deep I am, I notice my cat pondering the universe and have caught it with a camera.”

I bet the cat is really saying, “Why the fuck am I a prisoner in this schmucks life. I used to roam the wild and fend for myself. Now I shit in a scented sandbox.”

Maybe I’m sounding bitter, but I feel that humanity has cheated itself out of really finding what is original in its life. People have taken what they think is original and creative, boxed it up and marketed it as individualism. A new form of the walking dead. The zombies who don’t know they are zombies.

Admittedly, these people are crucial to our society. They are a litmus test for true originality, but it also poses a problem. When someone really groundbreaking and original comes along, this person are usually pushed down and punished for it. If it doesn’t fit within the parameters of the group idea of originality then it’s alien and rejected. There are those that break through, but they are to few and too far between.

Listen, I am not one of these originals, I am more a part of the problem then the solution, but I’m aware of the problem so it’s a step in the right direction.



Really I just want people to stop sending pictures of their cats in. I think they are stupid and show no artistic merit. I give more credit to the fat girl that keeps sending in the photo of her Cheetos stained mouth smiling like an idiot with a two liter bottle of soda in her hand. Her message is simple, “I’m a fat chic who ain’t gonna stop. Pass the onion dip.”

She sends the picture once a week and my boss refuses to put it up on the site. She says it’s disturbing. It is, that’s what makes it so great, it’s real and encapsulates who we are today: Cheetos grinding, soda swilling, fat fucking zombies. Rock on humanity!

(Don’t take this as me feeling bad. I actually feel great and I love life right now. I just wanted to bitch a bit.)

Return Of Stoneface

This is my third Emmy worthy apperance.

Enjoy.



They are saving my fourth, the one that will rocket me to stardom, for sweeps. So keep your eyes peeled lightning bugs. This mad talent is goin' places, like the unemployment office.

Time Change=Bad Sign

Well, the show I’m working on has been moved to a new time slot. In the industry, this is a bad sign. Our ratings have never been that good, and this is one of those desperate attempts by the network to try and improve them. It very rarely works. What usually happens is the audience doesn’t follow the time change and the ratings sink even lower. It has worked on occasion, but very rarely. We’ll see.

So what does this mean for you humble narrator? Well, it could mean nothing, it could mean we’re cancelled in December, it could mean cancelled in May. I was banking on May so I could make friends and contacts to land me a gig next season, but who knows.

It’s funny how this works. It’s just the business I’m in. This show ends and off I go to find the next one. I think it’s a really good experience about living in the moment. I need to get all I can out of this now and enjoy it.

The future is always unpredictable and in the industry it is doubly so.

Stay tuned lightning bugs. This may take a wacky turn soon.

Just Droppin’ A Note

1. Sat in a VW tour bus and was pulled along with 18 other co-workers by the strongest man in the world.

2. Turned in a project that received a note that I didn’t agree with. I was pissed off and took it personally at first, then decided it was their show even though it was my project and made the necessary change. I was told one note is great news. Most projects are severely re-cut or dumped all together, so I should be happy. I’ll post my cut on the site in the near future.

3. I was asked to be in another comedy sketch. Due to union rules I can’t say anything, so I’m always just the guy sitting there with a Buster Keaton face while the host bounces around me acting like an idiot. This is the 4th one I’ve done and have been told they look for ways to use me. I’m flattered. Since I’m not a fan of my looks, I’ll just take it as a compliment. In my head I keep hearing the line from the Simpson’s, “I want T.V. ugly, not ugly ugly.” Which is a plus, right?

The Host is a lot cooler than I expected. She’s a comic book geek, which is always a plus, but off camera she’s very crude with her humor. She discussed the idea of letting her bush grow out and shaving the shows logo into it. I must have laughed for two minutes; it took me so off guard. We chat and have a good time playing off each other and her husband is a crack up. Good people are nice to come by. There are actually a lot of good people on the show, I’m just now starting to warm up to them and get in the groove. Hopefully we’ll make it a full season so I can get to know them better.

I also think one of the writers is flirting with me. I’ve lucked out in this case, since it is a woman and she is cute. She has stopped by the office out of the blue just to chit-chat and has started asking all of the questions about my back ground, relationship status, etcetera. She used to write on Will & Grace and is working on a sitcom idea, which I’ll ask more about soon and maybe get a chance to read some of her other projects. It could be fun to explore.

I’m going in today for my first body armor consultation. More on this as it develops.

I need to get over my poor self-image so I can live a little more. I’m moving in the direction I want and need to acknowledge that. I’m doing well, growing emotionally, getting in shape, saving money (for once), creating and have realistic goals. That’s more than a lot of people can say.

Walking With Purpose

So I was part of the AIDS Walk this morning with a group from work. I met a few interesting people.

The first was a group called Atheists United. I chatted with a couple of the members to see what a group like theirs does. It was exactly what you’d think. They meet and talk about how there is no God. But once a month they do have a free brunch. Apparently membership has been shrinking since the early 80’s. This is due to fewer recruits and other members dying off. Makes sense. They were nice, but not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed.

If you have pondered the way of the atheist, you can learn more at their web site: www.atheistsunited.org, or call them at 866-GODLESS. That’s the real phone number; swear to god, it says so right on the card the guy gave me.

Next I helped hold the banner up for the Latino Business Association. I found out that I don’t need to be a Latino to join. I just have to be willing to join. This kind of turned me off. If I’m going to be part of the LBA I want to know there is another Latino who’s got my back and not some pasty Irish guy who just wants to be invited to all the cool parties.

Then I met “The King”. This was an 80, year old homosexual who dresses up in a giant King outfit. It’s a real crazy lavish get up with feathers and a velvet cape, just insane. He said he does it because he had a friend who passed away from AIDS and never got the chance to go to Mardi Gras. The King dresses up and raises money for AIDS in honor of that friend. So guess how much this guy raised for this walk. $14,000! That’s some serious fund raising shit right there.

There were a few protesters who held signs that declared Homosexuality was a danger to out national security, something I never thought of and would be curious to hear the argument. I doubt they could get me to agree, but I find the thinking interesting. It’s like you find two things detestable, so you package them in a peanut butter cup of hate. Why rail against one thing when you can rail against two in the same sentence.

Here is mine: Stop cats from spreading country music!

Yeah, that one sucks.

We ending the walk by being greeted by transvestites who wanted to know if our boss was with us because they all think she’s great. They were disappointed to hear she wasn’t but were glad we were there to help out.

It was fun. I got to hang out with good people and get a six-mile walk out of it too. Plus I cured AIDS. Who knew it would be so easy.

Note Of Interest

I'm a person who suffers from kidney stones.

that means every so often I feel some pains in my side and lower back, then some time later I shoot a rock about the size of a small diamond out of my dick. It's fun. I recommend that everyone try it at least once.

Anyway, I had my first weight training session where we concentrated on the core yesterday. I've never really worked this area of my body before, but when I woke up today, I felt like my kidneys had shut down. The muscles in my lower back were so worked, my first though was I was working a brick through my kidneys.

So for those of you out there who have always wondered what core training is like, or the first stages of kidney stones are like, it's simple.

Core training feels like you're going into kidney failure or kidney failure feels like you've had a really good core workout.

It just depends on if you're a glass half empty or half full type of person.

T.V. Debut...Sort Of

Because I was on a game show as a child, this counts as my second television appearance, but my first network appearance.

Here I am being pushed around by my boss.

Enjoy.