Hot Off The Press #1

by Scoop Snoopum

One of my Hollywood contacts, code name: Yellow 7, sent me this link.

CBS Local News

I was shocked, shocked I tell you, that something like this would happen in my white as snow virginal town.

Freddy Krueger stabbed somebody with his finger blades? Violence in Hollywood? This would not, nay, could not stand. Not on my watch.

I grabbed my camera and went to the location of this brutal crime.

Looking for witnesses, I found one. Jack Sparrow and his harlot were itching to talk, so the truth could be told.

“He was protecting himself.” Sparrow confided, “Freddy has been robbed three times in the last six months. It was self-defense. Anything that you read was just a pack of lies, argh.”

Chucky backed up Sparrow's story in between slaying Japanese tourists.



I knew it. The left wing liberal press had fucked Americans again.

When I asked where the incident took place, Chucky pointed down the street saying, "Down by Kenny Logins star.”

I Walked down to Loggins star to survey the area. I could find no blood, no signs of struggle. All of this leads me to believe that the Krueger was set up and used simply to draw attention to the cbs2 website. For shame!

I asked a passerby if he or his special lady friend had heard of the incident that had taken place near the Loggins star. He refused to give me his name and she would only identify herself as Vanilla Love, but did give me this tasty nugget.



“Fuck, Kenny Loggins!”

No words have ever been truer my anonymous brother. Fuck Kenny Loggins indeed.


Note: The part about it being self defense is supposedly true. That was the answer I got when I asked not only Jack Sparow and Chucky, but also Blade, Michael Myers, and a Freddy replacement.