An Open Letter…

To the sexually ambiguous person who goes to my gym.

Dear He/She,

I have seen you at the gm twice now and I feel there are some things you could do that would keep myself, and others from looking at you with an eyebrow raised.

One: If you are a male, cut your hair. Your features are soft and feminine. They are nice features and if you are a male, you would be called a, ”pretty boy” which is not a bad thing. As a matter of fact, I bet it is easier for a pretty boy to get laid than it is an average joe like myself. There are men in this world who can get away with long hair. You sir/madam are not one of them.

Two: If you are a male, I’d recommend a sock in the crotch when you are wearing those tight shorts. This would keep the big bear guy who was using the treadmill next to me from making statements like, “Check out the bug fucker.” Or, “When did the Ken doll start working out?” These are very unoriginal lines, but I can see the comparison to the Ken doll with that odd flat panel on the front of your shorts. If you decide that you are a he, stuff and fluff.

Three: If you are a woman, I would consider wearing a stuffed bra. This works in the same way, but in the opposite direction of the crotch stuffing. I know you think that the tight sports bra top is sexy, but it can’t be sexy if we the viewers are unable to tell if we’re supposed to be attracted or not. See, confusion doesn’t make people interested in you, only interested at you.

Four: This is the biggie. Consult a makeup artist. If you are a male, drop it all together. Ziggy Stardust has left the planet and only Johnny Depp can get away with wearing makeup and look like a stud. If you are a female, it is important to understand that two different shades of eye shadow are a real faux pas. Unless on course you wear green eye shadow and the other eye had been punched. That is the only exception to green and purple that I can think of. Also… It’s a gym for fuck sake! You shouldn't need makeup!

Please look at this letter as creative criticism and not a swipe at you as a person. Unless, you get off on being insulted. Then sir or madam, consider this the glove across the face.

Sincerely,

John