I Am Who?

I was reading online today about knowing who you are. I felt real compassion and my heart went out to the woman who was talking about it. There was a pain in her words and I couldn’t help but feel for her.

So I asked myself that question. Do I know who I am? It’s a complex and tough nut to crack and I feel my meager intelligence wont even try to figure it out. Who we are is an individual effort. We are who we decide to be.

Here is a list of things I know about myself and things I know I need to work on.


1. I am a hopeless romantic, even though I try to be cynical and sarcastic about it I believe too much in love and it’s strengths. This is a bit of a blessing as a curse. I’m no good at one-night stands. I can have sex if there is that, “we’re seeing if this could be a relationship thing.” But I’m not big on hitting on someone to try and get laid. Hence, I jerk off a lot

2. I’m very down on myself. I do it most of the time so I can avoid pain when I fail, but it causes me more harm than good because I start believing it and it sets me up for failure and makes it easier for me to give up.

3. I can be jealous of other people’s situations. This could be from anything from relationships to work, to any kind of accomplishment. I tend to display this by disliking the other person and acting like I am smarter than them. I have found out recently that I have a better grip on this and can take life on life’s terms.

4. I’m intelligent. Not a genius or as brilliant as I wish I could be, but I am at least average and in some topics more informed than the average person. I do know there is always someone smarter than me out there and it makes me doubt my own intelligence at times.

5. I have a good sense of humor. Every so often I worry that I wont be able to handle an insult, but I can laugh at myself when I make mistakes and most of the time move on quickly. I do think I’m funnier than I am sometimes. I also enjoy having people around me who make me laugh. I’m not a big laugher, so when I am entertained I really appreciate it.

6. I have a lot of self-doubt, but that stems from the things I do not know about myself. Do I have talent to succeed, etcetera. Even if I have the talents I hope I have, I know there is more to it than that. Timing, luck, being able to play the game. These are all important if a person wishes to succeed in the industry. Most o these things I don’t have control ver, but I am trying to be open when opportunity arises.

7. Most of the time I avoid risk. I work on being able to put myself out there, but it is slow going.

8. Most of the time I am a quick study, but fake it when I should take the time to ask questions.

9. I don’t give up easy even though I go through a period when I feel like giving up. I need to acknowledge those moments so I can get back on the horse quicker. It’s much better today than when I drank. It would take me many months back then, now it’s a few weeks. My goal is to get it under five days.

10. I have this odd sense of loyalty that can be detrimental. I take my friendships very seriously and would pretty much do anything to protect those I care about. It is not good when I block off other ideas that may be correct so I can stand up for these friends.
11. I’m a good person at heart who has done a lot of ugly shit it his life. This is something that I have worked hard to change, but some of my old ways creep out every so often and I go on a hurt ‘em any way you can binge every so often.

12. My communication skills are passable, but something I need to work on. Most of this has to do with not talking about the things that are really bothering me and I just swallow it. Bad idea.

I’m going to stop there for now, because there are a lot more and if I keep going, I’ll sound even more narcissistic than I am being now. Actually, it’s my fucking blog. Skip it if you don’t want to hear it.

More later.