Sitting Down For Stand Up

So as I am one funny mofo, I’ve decided to give stand-up comedy a try. Not as any sort of career move, but just to see how I like it. We all know that nobody sees more pussy than a stand-up comic. That’s sarcasm. See, I even know comedic terminology, I’m a genius.

Going to that fantastic piece of technology known as the home computer I was able to find via internet an open mic night at The Laugh Factory. So I went down this evening to check it out. See what the competition looked like.

Comedy can be ugly and I was a witness to this medusa tonight. I was subjected to, “White guys do this and black guys do this” jokes. I felt like I was in a time machine back to the eighties. The closest thing to current was a, “Cheney shot a guy in the face” and a, “Anybody ever watch Pimp My Ride”. I was crossing my fingers for an American Gladiator joke, but alas nothing.

One guy was trying to do a Stephen Wright style of routine. He was officially the night’s biggest failure. He was physically hissed off the stage. Ouch. I was chuckling because his idea was interesting, but the delivery and timing were atrocious. I usually don’t cover my eyes when watching stuff. I actually covered my face in embarrassment for him.
There was no personality up on that stage, just the idea of what comedy is supposed to sound like. Actually, that’s not entirely true. The last guy was an Asian kid who got up and ranted about how much he hated his mother for three and a half minutes. It would have been brilliant if he had really planned the angry character instead of performing public therapy. I know you’re saying, maybe he was playing a character. No, you can tell the difference.

So to put my money where my mouth is, I’m going to give it a shot next Tuesday. Will I be funny? Doubtful, but I’ll at least try. It’s got to be a bitch to be up there hoping that people think you’re as funny as you think you are. Luckily I know I’m not as funny as I think I am, so I’ve got that going for me.

Here are the rules.

1. It must be G rated. That’s tough for me since I have the mouth of a longshoreman. I’m guessing, I’ve never actually met one.
2. It can only last three minutes. At that mark a red light goes on and you have ten seconds. After ten seconds everyone starts waving and screaming at you to get off.

FAQ

Will I do it more than once? Maybe, I’ll see how round one goes.

Can you go? No. They tape it, so I’ll try to get a copy to upload for complete public humiliation.

Why are you doing this? Because I’m to out of shape to climb Everest.

What’s your routine going to be about? No idea. If you know of something that I do that is funny, let me know. Nudity is non-applicable, so my puppet show is out. I also do a great bit where I pull a feather out of my ass, also not applicable.

What are you going to wear? T-shirt and Jeans.

What is your style going to be like? Whatever I am. I’m not going to be a character or a rip off of someone else. I’ll just be me, which is a rip off of a lot of different people.


Let’s roll some dice and see what comes up.