Crap Television

I’ve been assigned to help on a segment for the show. Pretty exciting, right?

Well as the title of this entry hints at, it’s not. I have to pour though tons of photos and find people who look like their pets. This is a tried and true segment that always gets a chuckle form the troglodytes.

I’ve seen this bit done on every show and I never even though about the poor schmuck who had to find ones that worked. So take a moment to think about this schmuck.

Done? Let’s move on.

As I’m sure you can well imagine, a criteria needs to be established in selecting these photos. Her is the criterion that I created in case you feel like sending in a photo of your pet that bares a striking resemblance to you.

1. You can’t make a face so you look more like your pet.
2. If you look like your cat, we’ll take it. It’s very hard for a person to look like a cat.
3. If you look like your lizard, it’s time to consider moisturizing.
4. We will not put up a picture of a guy with his rat if the guy looks Jewish. It’s a political decision.
5. Just because you put glasses on your pet (and you wear glasses) does not guarantee a spot.
6. Putting glasses, pasting sideburns and putting a bow tie on your pet will guarantee a spot. (It’s a tricky rule that falls to a vote by committee as far as props are concerned.)
7. If you dress up like Luke Skywalker and you dress your dog up like Yoda, odds are you just need to get laid. Plus you and your pet do not look alike. You look like a morbidly obese Luke Skywalker and your bulldog looks like he’s wearing your mom’s bathrobe.
8. I can’t stress this enough: We need more cats people!
9. Nobody looks like his or her horse from head on. Maybe in profile, but never head on.
10. Children are not pets…and if they don’t look like you start taking a closer look at whom your wife has been hanging out with. (I learned that last part from watching too much Maury Povitch.)

That’s about it. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to see if James L. from Wisconsin looks like his Golden Retriever named Butterlump…nope, next.