Friday, June 30, 2006

What's Under Your Shirt

I was going to write about my crazy family, but then I realized it’s not as crazy as much as it is sick. So I’ve moved on to my own vanity.

My weight loss has reached a new high. I’m officially 22 pounds lighter than when I started. It has started to slow up a bit, but I’m hoping that it is because I’m putting on muscle as I continue to drop lbs. I’m thinking positive on this one.

I’ve officially started reaching that ugly stage. See, the way my body loses weight is one part at a time. Weird right? It starts in my face and neck. I go from looking like a cherub to that sexy chiseled features god you admire oh, so much. Just joking, I never look like a cherub.

Now the fun part starts. I first notice weight loss in my right love handle. That side of my body flattens out while I still have the goof roll on the left side. Then it moves across my back and into the left side where it finally balances out and I stop pulling to the left when I walk. In the past I’ve never really gotten past this stage. Somewhere in here I give up and maintain the weight or go on a fast food/doughnut/ice cream eating rampage.

The weight continues to compartmentalize itself and has moved to the top of my stomach. Naturally, I start to get this odd roll around the entire base of my torso. I’ve started to look like I have an inner tube just above my waist. If this were flood season, I’d be grateful, but it’s not, so I wear extremely large shirts. Actually, I’ve always worn big shirts because of my issues with my body. Plus it’s easier to hide stuff when I shoplift. Again, just joking. I don’t shoplift; I use a gun and flat out rob places.

So for the next few weeks, I’m inner tube man. I’m thinking of painting it and hanging out on the beach some day soon. It would look a little odd, since I’m so hairy it would appear the tube was made of fur. As we know, that’d just piss off PETA and all hip-hop artists would have to buy their girlfriends chinchilla inner tubes.

See, I am not only a chisel-faced god, but have a lot of influence in the hip-hop community. I’m the guy who invented the word, Yo. Check it out at Wikipedia. And if it’s not there… add it.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Open Mic Night

So I performed at Open Mic Night at the world famous Laugh Factory...


Just kidding. I bombed something awful.

I wasn’t the worst, so I had that going for me. My biggest problem was that the guy before me kicked ass. I mean he was funny and polished and really had it together. I put my piece together this morning and was trying to refine it while walking there. Not the best idea.

It wasn’t embarrassing or humiliating. It was actually kind of fun. I stood on the same stage that Bill Hicks stood on. That’s pretty damn cool. I’d do it again if I took the time to put something good together. I’m too lazy and have bigger things to worry about before I attempt that.

So I’m not banking on Stand-Up stardom. It’s kind of too bad. Had I started back when I was 18 I might have been good. I didn’t feel any fear when I was up there and I did get a couple of chuckle. They were purposeful too. Laughed with me, not laughed at me.

There was one guy who was so-so and he sat behind me the entire time and mumbled how bad everyone was under his breath. I didn’t realize until I got up there that you could actually hear him. So I got to hear his grumble the entire time I was up there. Not exactly supportive, but hey, it’s a cutthroat business. He probably was doing it on purpose to trip people up. It worked.

My favorite part was I got near the end and realized I didn’t have a solid conclusion. I should have considered that. So I just ended with, “I got nothing, thank you ladies and gentlemen.” I received the very supportive clap for the retarded kid.

Yeah, fine. I’ll do it again. Now I know what I need to do, so I can screw it up in a completely different way.

Good night Ladies and gentlemen. Don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

21 And Still Going

Today is my 21st B-day, sort of. That is I have been clean and sober 21 months today. This is nothing monumental; it’s like turning 27 years old. No one really gives a shit. But I like to acknowledge these days; because it’s that much further along I have come.

My two-year anniversary will be neat, but (knock on wood) my 13th year anniversary will be the big celebration. I will have officially been sober longer than I had been drinking.

I wish I could sit here today and promise to all the people that care about me that I’ve beaten this thing. That I’ll never drink again. But I can’t do that. I’ve been in rooms where a person was clean and sober for 23 years and went back out. This is a one day at a time program and that’s how I treat it.

There is one thing that I can promise and it was Jason Mewes who got me onto it.

For those who don’t know Jason Mewes, he’s Jay from all the Kevin Smith films. On Mr. Smith’s blog, he has a wonderful and honest series called, “Me and my shadow”. It was about his entire relationship with Mewes and Mewes struggles with addiction. It is a real look at an outsider dealing with his friend’s descent and rebirth. I learned a lot about how others must have felt when dealing with me.

One of the last entries is a video Jason made and gave to Smith on Christmas after finally cleaning up. It’s honest and emotional and really is a man who has overcome several demons. Jason makes a promise and it’s the same promise that I make to all my friends, families and supporters out there.

I promise I will never lie about these things again. I have lied and cheated and made a bunch of empty promises that caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. It is not something that I want and it is something I will no longer do. I promise never to lie to you again.

True, it may be painful at times and scary for me to speak up. But I’ll do it.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has supported me through all of this and for those who have stepped away and cannot, I completely understand and respect your position.


Monday, June 26, 2006

Bombed Out

So I went to take this Photoshop test and another one for this editing program called Vegas. It’s for a job at a place called Go TV networks. They create video content for cell phones. I have zero interest in that type of thing, but it’s editing and the wife of a friend works there, so she hooked me up.

Long story short, I failed miserably. The first few Photoshop projects went fine, but then there was one where I had to type some text. This should be a very simple process, but I couldn’t get the damn text tool to work. I tried everything I knew and I still couldn’t get the thing working. ( I came home and tried it. It worked no problem, damn.)

I sat there for a few minutes and looked around the office. A cube farm on the third floor of some modern bland building. There was very little noise and the conversation that could be heard was dull. I realized I didn’t want the job. I don’t think I could enjoy it. I’d go nuts with the lack of activity and the product I’d be helping produce.

Is it because I’m lazy? Is it because I want to fail and end up living on the street? It’s possible, I do feel like giving up quite a bit. All of my past experience has basically penned me as a failure. So why should I keep on fighting. It’s that thing in me that doesn’t want me to give up, but it’s also that part of me that feels he’s owed something. My past should give me the points to land something big.

It’s like that Jim Croce song, “Workin’ At The Carwash Blues”. Never heard of it? Basically I should be further along than I am and deserve to be. But I need to start low and work my way up. I need to gain skills and trust. I know, I know, I’m just being impatient.

This is one job lost. Not my life. I’ll miss out on several before I land something. Maybe I’ll like it, maybe not. I just need to keep trying.

To quote Batman begins, “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.”

Man I wish I were a crime fighter in a costume. I hear they have great medical and dental.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Did You Hear A Ring? I Thought I Heard A Ring.

So I’ve got a shot at a job and all I’m doing now is waiting to talk to the guy. It seems pretty solid, as I’ve mentioned earlier, but no call yet. I know you’re saying, “Give it up. If they haven’t called yet, they aren’t going to call.” Not entirely true.

The whole process for this job has been a hurry up and wait type of scenario. Initial contact took about two weeks and the original lunch was rescheduled twice. The guy who has been looking into hiring me is a very busy guy. He’s overworked and probably underpaid for his duties. Not only that, but he’s a really cool guy. Honest, helpful and a movie lover, which is always a good thing to me. He’s more than just the casual movie watcher. He and I had a long discussion on Orson Welles and discussed several other classic films. I didn’t get a sense of his liking of foreign films, but hopefully that will be a conversation for another lunch.

The way it has been happening is I call and get his message service. Usually I get a call back the next day and just a quick update that things a trucking along, but it’s hectic and we’ll talk more about it in a couple of days. So call him to remind him.

Things there are crazy. They have all sorts of new equipment coming in and are still seeking budget approval on certain items. There is also a lot of restructuring so they can bring in more employees to alleviate some of the workload. I fall under the more employees’ category.

We chatted very briefly on Tuesday morning when he was off to a budget meeting and said he’d be back in touch. So far nothing. I’m a little worried, but not panicking. I’m more or less really impatient. I want to get to work. It has been over a year since I’ve held a real job. I don’t count working at the movie theater because a narcoleptic penguin with a wooden flipper could pull that job off. (I’m into penguin references since I saw a bit on t.v. last week.)

The best part is I’m afraid of leaving the house. He’ll call my cell phone, but I don’t want to be walking down Sunset when the call comes in. Heavy traffic and trying to hold a conversation don’t mix. I also enjoy going out to the movies, which is tough because I have to shut the phone off during the film and I’m afraid of missing the call. I’ve been risking it to go to the gym and every time I’m done, there is a message waiting. I get all twitchy and check it. It’s always from a friend or family member calling to check in.

“Noooooo.” I scream to the heavens in my best James Earl Jones impression.

Now it’s the weekend and I have to wait until Monday when this thumb twiddling purgatory can begin all over again. At least I can go out of the house with ease.

And like the dumb shit boring ass cliché goes… No news is good news.

Or translated for The Great Space Coaster fans, “There’s no news like Gary Gnus.”

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My Cycle

I was told that when I cleaned up I would have a cycle. This is comparable to pre-menstruation. A time of emotional ups and downs that occur about seven days before my sobriety date and possibly seven days after the date. I’m one of the lucky ones. It only happens before.

My sobriety date is the 27th of each month. I finally cleaned up on September 27th of 2004. This was after several false starts and a five-month period of sobriety after rehab and four day relapse from hell.

I appreciate my relapse, because it tough me that sobriety is my responsibility and it was a harsh reminder of what it’s like to be out there. In the four short days of my relapse, I went through everything I had done and felt in my 12 years of drinking and drugging. So it’s a good for me when I feel like giving up.

Anywho, I’ve been feeling a little nuts today. There are mitigating factors that are playing into it as well, but they are stronger because of the time of month. So what do I do about it?

I went walking, I went jogging, I bought comics, I did my grocery shopping, and I still feel antsy. I should go out again, but it feels pretty futile so I just sit around listening to music and fumbling with words.

It’s a real struggle to go out on days like this, I’m pretty glad that I forced myself to go out as much as I have.

So what do I do about it? I just let it take its course. It will fade usually in about a day or two. With my job situation being what it is, it may last a little longer. The twiddling thumbs waiting for the phone to ring gets a little unnerving. People call to check in and I nearly go ballistic because my hope is it’s the job.

I’m thinking at this point I’ve got about a 90% shot. Not a guarantee, but solid odds. It’s just about playing phone tag and getting that few minutes to see if things will work out. Check in, but don’t push. If it doesn’t work out, I’m back to square one. Thrilling. My bank account is starting to wheeze and sputter.

That’s life. Take it as it comes and play it as it lays. Time passes and moods change, but damn they are tough to get through sometimes.

No, the picture has no significance. I typed in, "feeling antsy" on Google images and this one popped up. Kinda odd.


I was sifting the internet on what I call Homoerotic Wednesday and stumbled across this on You Tube.

If these guys aren't committed to the skit, then I don't know what commitment is.

Watch it all the way through... trust me.


Sitting Down For Stand Up

So as I am one funny mofo, I’ve decided to give stand-up comedy a try. Not as any sort of career move, but just to see how I like it. We all know that nobody sees more pussy than a stand-up comic. That’s sarcasm. See, I even know comedic terminology, I’m a genius.

Going to that fantastic piece of technology known as the home computer I was able to find via internet an open mic night at The Laugh Factory. So I went down this evening to check it out. See what the competition looked like.

Comedy can be ugly and I was a witness to this medusa tonight. I was subjected to, “White guys do this and black guys do this” jokes. I felt like I was in a time machine back to the eighties. The closest thing to current was a, “Cheney shot a guy in the face” and a, “Anybody ever watch Pimp My Ride”. I was crossing my fingers for an American Gladiator joke, but alas nothing.

One guy was trying to do a Stephen Wright style of routine. He was officially the night’s biggest failure. He was physically hissed off the stage. Ouch. I was chuckling because his idea was interesting, but the delivery and timing were atrocious. I usually don’t cover my eyes when watching stuff. I actually covered my face in embarrassment for him.
There was no personality up on that stage, just the idea of what comedy is supposed to sound like. Actually, that’s not entirely true. The last guy was an Asian kid who got up and ranted about how much he hated his mother for three and a half minutes. It would have been brilliant if he had really planned the angry character instead of performing public therapy. I know you’re saying, maybe he was playing a character. No, you can tell the difference.

So to put my money where my mouth is, I’m going to give it a shot next Tuesday. Will I be funny? Doubtful, but I’ll at least try. It’s got to be a bitch to be up there hoping that people think you’re as funny as you think you are. Luckily I know I’m not as funny as I think I am, so I’ve got that going for me.

Here are the rules.

1. It must be G rated. That’s tough for me since I have the mouth of a longshoreman. I’m guessing, I’ve never actually met one.
2. It can only last three minutes. At that mark a red light goes on and you have ten seconds. After ten seconds everyone starts waving and screaming at you to get off.


Will I do it more than once? Maybe, I’ll see how round one goes.

Can you go? No. They tape it, so I’ll try to get a copy to upload for complete public humiliation.

Why are you doing this? Because I’m to out of shape to climb Everest.

What’s your routine going to be about? No idea. If you know of something that I do that is funny, let me know. Nudity is non-applicable, so my puppet show is out. I also do a great bit where I pull a feather out of my ass, also not applicable.

What are you going to wear? T-shirt and Jeans.

What is your style going to be like? Whatever I am. I’m not going to be a character or a rip off of someone else. I’ll just be me, which is a rip off of a lot of different people.

Let’s roll some dice and see what comes up.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Ex Marks The Spot

The knife has twisted. My heart has fallen. My gut is clenched and I want to cry, but I can’t.

My ex-girlfriend has started dating again. I knew it was going to happen. I knew when we split it was going to happen for both of us. We’d both start seeing other people.

I wonder if I had beaten her to the punch if I’d feel as bad. Of course I wouldn’t. I’d be, “Hey, glad to see you’re going on with your life.”

So I’m basically feeling like a total loser right now. All that is popping into my head is the time she told be I was a loser and then quickly revoked it because it was said out of anger. But part of me feels it’s what she really thinks.

I have been trying to do things differently this time. Trying to remain friends and not go off the handle like I used to in the past. The actions that I feel like taking are different then the actions I am taking. It doesn’t curb the pain, but at least I know I’m not making it worse than it is.

I’ve been told to let it go. That’s a phrase that people always tell you when you’re in pain or angry at something, “Let it go.” Is there a secret to this? Is there a switch that you flip and a door opens inside and it’s let go?

I want her to be happy, but of course there is that part that says, “I want you to be happy with me.”

And to let you know, I am not a loser. I have fucked up plenty in my life, but if you can say you haven’t you’re a liar. All right, I’ve fucked up a little more than average and I’ve caused more pain and suffering than I should have, but I’ll accept responsibility for that. Yeah I did it and I’m the one who has to live with it. Every day I think about things I’ve done and say, “fuck, what an idiot.”

Have I learned from it? Sure. Does it make living with my actions easier? Sometimes, but not always.

One friend told me that ex means just that EX. Two hash marks that block that person from your life. You don’t need to have anything more to do with them. Take ‘em off the Christmas card list.

It is something that I would like to do, but can’t. I don’t want to let go of a person who has meant so much to me. She is someone who helped me and stood by me when I was at my lowest point in life. I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for her support and love I’d be dead or insane today. That is an honest reply and not some reactionary emotion to my current state.

But life is what it is. I have no control over it. I was told in A.A. that the only things I have control over are my attitude and my outlook. So I’ll work on that for a while.

This pain has been brought to you by, Moxie Elixir.

When you really want to eat shit… try Moxie.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Mystery Of Toilet Paper

I have this weird thing where I keep track of toilet paper usage.

I used to live with three women and I was the one who always bought the TP. Every so often one of the girls would bring home a roll they had liberated from work and acted like they were doing there part, but they knew it was bullshit. I took it as a token that at least they understood we went through a lot of toilet paper.

So now I have a male roommate and I figure the TP thing isn’t going to be as big of a deal. I go out and pick up a 24 pack uber huge rolls that should get us through a month.

It’s been a week and a half and we are down to the last quarter of a roll. What the fuck is up with that? Where is all the TP going?

This is a very OCD thing to futz over, but I can’t help wondering. I did a roll count a couple of days a go and within twenty-four hours, two rolls of TP had been used.

It is weird, right? I’m not being some TP nazi wanting to control the distribution of each sheet, am I?

Anyway, I come home tonight and the roomie has gone to work. I go into the bathroom to take a leak and there is about a half a roll of TP in the toilet. I’m not exaggerating this. It was a thick layer of toilet paper about an inch and a half deep acting like a crust to the water in the bowl. Idiot that I am, I try to flush it and make a bigger mess. So I strategically figure out how to hold back amounts of the paper with the plunger, allowing only small amounts to be flushed away t a time without causing a clog. It took somewhere between 10 to 15 flushes to get it all down.

So why? Why does he use so much paper? Does he make one of those ass gaskets to sit on everytime he uses the toilet? Doe he mummify his hand to wipe his ass? Does her jerk off and blow a quart every time he ejaculates? I thought he might use the cardboard tube to stroke his dick and then uses the entire roll to clean up. A little twisted, but hey, it’s a hole.

Plus, this is a mystery that will never be solved. I’m not going to ask why he uses a truckload of TP o a daily basis. That’s his life, not mine and I need to respect that..

Out of this bizarre observation I’m pondering some scientific experiment where I can mark the levels of paper used each day and then graph it. Days he works versus nonworking days, weekdays versus weekends, nights vs. days, etcetera.

I really need a hobby.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I Am Who?

I was reading online today about knowing who you are. I felt real compassion and my heart went out to the woman who was talking about it. There was a pain in her words and I couldn’t help but feel for her.

So I asked myself that question. Do I know who I am? It’s a complex and tough nut to crack and I feel my meager intelligence wont even try to figure it out. Who we are is an individual effort. We are who we decide to be.

Here is a list of things I know about myself and things I know I need to work on.

1. I am a hopeless romantic, even though I try to be cynical and sarcastic about it I believe too much in love and it’s strengths. This is a bit of a blessing as a curse. I’m no good at one-night stands. I can have sex if there is that, “we’re seeing if this could be a relationship thing.” But I’m not big on hitting on someone to try and get laid. Hence, I jerk off a lot

2. I’m very down on myself. I do it most of the time so I can avoid pain when I fail, but it causes me more harm than good because I start believing it and it sets me up for failure and makes it easier for me to give up.

3. I can be jealous of other people’s situations. This could be from anything from relationships to work, to any kind of accomplishment. I tend to display this by disliking the other person and acting like I am smarter than them. I have found out recently that I have a better grip on this and can take life on life’s terms.

4. I’m intelligent. Not a genius or as brilliant as I wish I could be, but I am at least average and in some topics more informed than the average person. I do know there is always someone smarter than me out there and it makes me doubt my own intelligence at times.

5. I have a good sense of humor. Every so often I worry that I wont be able to handle an insult, but I can laugh at myself when I make mistakes and most of the time move on quickly. I do think I’m funnier than I am sometimes. I also enjoy having people around me who make me laugh. I’m not a big laugher, so when I am entertained I really appreciate it.

6. I have a lot of self-doubt, but that stems from the things I do not know about myself. Do I have talent to succeed, etcetera. Even if I have the talents I hope I have, I know there is more to it than that. Timing, luck, being able to play the game. These are all important if a person wishes to succeed in the industry. Most o these things I don’t have control ver, but I am trying to be open when opportunity arises.

7. Most of the time I avoid risk. I work on being able to put myself out there, but it is slow going.

8. Most of the time I am a quick study, but fake it when I should take the time to ask questions.

9. I don’t give up easy even though I go through a period when I feel like giving up. I need to acknowledge those moments so I can get back on the horse quicker. It’s much better today than when I drank. It would take me many months back then, now it’s a few weeks. My goal is to get it under five days.

10. I have this odd sense of loyalty that can be detrimental. I take my friendships very seriously and would pretty much do anything to protect those I care about. It is not good when I block off other ideas that may be correct so I can stand up for these friends.
11. I’m a good person at heart who has done a lot of ugly shit it his life. This is something that I have worked hard to change, but some of my old ways creep out every so often and I go on a hurt ‘em any way you can binge every so often.

12. My communication skills are passable, but something I need to work on. Most of this has to do with not talking about the things that are really bothering me and I just swallow it. Bad idea.

I’m going to stop there for now, because there are a lot more and if I keep going, I’ll sound even more narcissistic than I am being now. Actually, it’s my fucking blog. Skip it if you don’t want to hear it.

More later.

Autographs And Memories

One of the things that all liquor stores in L.A. have are autographed pictures. It’s their claim to fame. A Jackie Gleason used to but his beer from us kind of thing. I’ve seen all kinds of photos at all kinds of places when I pop in to buy cigarettes. I saw Johnny Depp at one and Burt Reynolds at another. It’s kind of cool in that way where you know you’d only see it in L.A. I never saw a single autographed picture an a store when I was in the Bay Area. That’s not entirely true. I did see an autographed poster of Jenna Jameson at the mechanics I used to go to. But I have a sneaking suspicion that She did stop in to have her oil changed (rim shot).

Now, I go to this liquor store right around the corner from where I live to buy smokes most of the time. So I’m in there today and for the first time I notice the autographed pictures they have. There are two to be precise.

The first one is of Soupy Sales and the second one is of Charo.

I really didn’t know how to react to that. Part of me felt like I needed to find a new place to buy cigarettes. I don’t want to shop at a place that has only been visited by these two celebs. Sales is dead… or if not his career is and you can find Charo working her coochy-coochy on the street corners on Friday nights.

Then I wonder why the owner doesn’t just fake some autographs and make up a grandiose story.

“Sure, Orson Welles used to come in here all the time. He buy all the wine in the place and take a shit over n the corn chip aisle. We let him do it because he didn’t have much and we felt sorry for him. I’ve got his poop in a jar if you want to see it.”

I’d be totally amazed. “That’s awesome, yes I want to see what Orson Welles scat looks like. I’ll even give you a buck.”

But alas, my little liquor store on the corner has to keep it honest. They keep the faded photos of c-level celebs up behind the counter.Maybe they have fond memories of The Love Boat. Maybe they were big fans of Hollywood Squares. The old school version, none of that Whoopie Goldberg shit.

Then I had a thought. My liquor store was keeping it real. Yeah man, that's what it is. So I bought my snacks and smokes with pride.

My liquor store.One of the few honest businesses in this crooked little town.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Return Of The Pod Person

It’s back!

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the ipod has been returned. Actually it’s a new one. According to Apple my last one was ready to visit the big Apple store in the sky. Thank you Applecare protection plan. Best 20 bucks I ever spent..

I realized how addicted I am to my pod. It’s not because of music, it’s those damn podcasts. These amateur radio shows. Some of them are fantastic, and some sound like a dog turd that’s been sitting in the sun to long. If you’ve never listened to a dog turd, try it. I’d like to know what you hear. I have to have my dose of these shows on a daily basis or I feel like I’m missing something. I’m like the child who’s supposed to be in bed, but has to sneak out to see what’s happening at the parent’s party. It’s my curse, I hate being out of the loop.

The biggest reason I wanted my pod back was because I joined a gym. I figured I’m down in L.A. and anybody who is anybody joins a gym. Right? I’m not super fat, but I’m not exactly in stellar shape either. I look like a potato, that’s the best description I can give. I’m very attractive to women who enjoy tubers, or sucking on a french-fry… get it. Yeah it’s a stupid joke, but it’s all I’ve got tonight.

So I’ve been going five times a fuckin’ week. I have enough spare time right now that I can play hamster on a wheel and walk in the same spot for an hour every day. Now I’ve been shown how to use the free weights, so I can get a complex about working out with a bunch of muscle men. I’m standing there struggling with a ten pound dumbbell and the guy next to me is bench pressing an entire fucking machine. Not just the weights but the whole machine. I exaggerate, of course, but lets face it… I am the weakling with glasses and they are the macho men with glandular issues.

But it’s working out really well. I feel better physically. I feel so good, I can smoke an entire pack of cigarettes a day. Is that improvement or what!

My biggest problem with the gym is trying not to look at women on those thigh machines. I don’t want to hit on them, I’m just fascinated by any machine that basically says, “and here’s my kitty, now it’s gone. Here’s my kitty, now it’s gone.”

I figure I'll go for the plastic surgery next. I could use a new nose and bigger lips. That way I can throw on a top hat and look like Mr. Potatohead.

The shitty jokes just keep on coming.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Angels And Demons

They say faith does not exist without doubt. Don’t ask me who said it, I’ve just heard it. If this is the first time you’ve heard it, then I said it and I want credit when you use it.

Last night I posted a piece about me going nuts. I received several calls from friends who wanted to make sure I was all right. I’m fine, I just need to vent and do it in a public forum. I needed to express what I was going through and once I had it down in writing I figured I’d be able to clear it out of my mind, a mental exhale, then move on.

If I ever go completely overboard, lose it and start drinking, you’ll never read about it. As a matter of fact, you’d probably never hear from me again.

So for the friends who responded, thank you. It means a lot to know you’re out there and that you care.

Here’s what I find interesting. I posted that just after midnight. About five minutes later, I received an email notification that someone had posted a comment. I wondered who I knew that would be up that late. It was a message from a total stranger offering some very nice positive reinforcement.

Who was this person? Nobody but a handful of friends and acquaintances reads this thing.

So I clicked on the name link and up pops this out of focus picture of what appeared to be a blonde woman. I couldn’t tell her age, but I’d say at the time somewhere in the mother years. (See how I dodged that bullet.)

So I wrote her back asking how she stumbled upon the blog.

Here’s her reply: ... through complete randomness of the "next blog" feature.

And this happened minutes after I posted.

Coincidence? Yeah it’s possible. If that’s the way you look at life it’s an odd one, but not impossible.

But it could also have been considered a sign. A message from something bigger than myself. A universal machine working to make sure that you are given what you need when you need it.

Take it as you choose to take it and I’ll take it how I choose.

Either way, someone I didn’t know reached out to comfort me and I am extremely grateful.

You can find a link to her blog, "Business Voodoo" on my side bar.

Meet John When He's Losing It.

No, there is no purpose to life. There is no grand design. We’re born, we live, we die. Kind of a downer, no?

What does it mean? What is it that I’m searching for? If I don’t realize my dream, does that mean I have wasted my life? Should I stop now, find a job that pays well but would never satisfy me? I could spend my free time going out and partying. Find a girlfriend that enjoys being crazy and just enjoy the time I have left.

I’m sounding like a whack job right now I know. But it’s just what’s going on in my head. I’m starting to think that there really is no reason to pursue my dreams anymore. I’m getting older and dreams are for the young.

I’ve sacrificed a lot for dreams. I’ve screwed up a lot and have a lot of regret. Therefore if I don’t continue, have I caused all this pain for nothing?

I have a son who turns 10 this year. I haven’t seen him in about 8 years. (See, I’m a prick. I’ve said it before and I will always be able to prove it.) I blew it. I missed out on helping raise a child. I do believe he was better off not having an abusive addict father around. That’s why I left. Had I been able to see then what I’ve seen now, I’d have cleaned up my act back then. But this is how it’s happened, so this is how it is. A head full of regret and a pocket full of empty dreams.

Jesus my head is messed up right now. I feel like I am unworthy of anything or anyone. My self-esteem is so far in the gutter I wonder if I’ll ever get it back.

When I drank and drugged, I didn’t care what people thought, so I was able to really cut loose. I said what I felt and just went for it. Now it’s a whole different story. I have feel like the worlds biggest loser.

I’ve lost my edge. I want it back, but don’t know where to find it. I’m a coward.

I’ve become so pathetic my last girlfriend dumped me after I cleaned up.

I need to go to a meeting.

I need to find my confidence.

I’m so scared and lost right now I can’t even see straight.

I’ve got one friend that I’m I.M’ing with as I write this. He’s telling me to start drinking and drugging again. Nice friend, huh?

So here I am with my thoughts going crazy and I already no there is no answer.

Here’s my big book quote that I was just sent: We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

That’s good, cause I’d never make perfection. Tonight I’m not even making an inch of progress.

So ends the ramblings of a crazy man.

I’ll try to write something fun soon. Promise.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Hot Off The Press #7

By Scoop Snoopum

Richard Moll was a household name in the 80’s. His performance as Bull on televisions Night Court would have garnered him several emmy’s if John Laroquette hadn’t kept winning every damn year.

SS: Richard, a pleasure.

RM: Good to meet you finally Scoop. I’ve read some great things by you.

SS: Really?

RM: That piece on AIDS in Africa was fantastic.

SS: I didn’t write that.

RM: Oh. Uh, what about Watergate?

SS: That was me.

RM: Excellent work.

SS: Thanks. So the big question is, Have you been able to come out of the shadow of Bull?

RM: I’ve got to say it’s been tough. The Character of Bull Shannon follows me everywhere I go.

SS: I’m sure it does.

RM: It’s always, “Hey, Bull” or, “It’s Bull, look everybody. Do something Stupid.”

SS: It sounds rough.

RM: Why not an occasional, “Hey, Hurok!”

SS: That would be from Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn.

RM: Of course.

SS: Have you ever wondered why they give away the movie in the title?

RM: How’s that?

SS: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. Jared-Syn will be destroyed, right?

RM: Is he?

SS: I don’t know I never saw it.

RM: Me either.

SS: You’ve been coming to these conventions frequently in recent years.

RM: Oh, yeah.

SS: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen?

RM: Huh, well about an hour ago, I was in the bathroom in one of the stalls and some kid bangs on the door and says, “Hey, leaving some Bull Shit?”

SS: That’s it?

RM: No I was walking out and I swear I saw some girl sitting on top of Sam Jackson’s head, screaming like a banshee. I didn’t even know Sam was at the convention.

SS: No comment.

RM: Huh?

SS: Well Richard, it’s been good talking to you.

RM: Thank you Scoop.

This Interview has beem brought to you by Moxie Soda.

Discipline your children with Moxie

Personal Growth That Doesn't Involve An Erection

This is going to sound a little cryptic, but I’m going to shoot for feelings instead of circumstance.

Have you ever had a moment where you realized you were becoming a better person. This might be easier for me because I was such a shitty person to begin with. I’m not overstating that either. Sure I had some good points and did some good things, but mostly I was a real prick.

So to be able to be confronted by a situation, go through it and see who you are on the other side, is a new experience for me. No anger, no rage, or hurt, or this feeling of being out of control. That’s a bit of a lie, I was a little hurt, but I understood. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like a decent person.

Is it because I’m older? Is it because the emotions you go through when sober are different than when you are deep into the booze and drugs? Does it matter as long as I see that I am in a better place today? All of these things apply and I’ve got to say it… I’m kinda proud of myself.

Coming soon: More stupid stuff, including an interview with Richard Moll. I’ll also discuss what Moxie is. I know you hate it when I get all squishy sensitive.

Monday, June 05, 2006

HOT Off The Press #6

By Scoop Snoopum

You know him as the Candyman, but Tony Todd has been working in the industry for 20 years. With such credits to his name as THE CROW, FINAL DESTINATION, and COP ROCK, Todd has shown us just how versatile his talents are.

He sat down with me for this interview.

SS: Tony Todd, good to see you again.

TT: Good to see you too Scoop.

SS: Let dig right in-

TT: -Let’s do it.

SS: Do you find it hard in today's Hollywood?

TT: Hollywood is always a tough nut-

SS: -Because you’re black.

TT: Uh, because it’s a tough business.

SS: And I’m sure being black doesn’t help.

TT: I wouldn’t know.

SS: Because you’re not really black?

TT: I am black, but because of that I’m only seeing it from my eyes and not how society sees me.

SS: Huh, just being yanked around by the man.

TT: I don’t really know.

SS: Well trust me, you are. Now lets move on to a major topic concerning you.

TT: Sure.

SS: How big is your cock?

TT: Excuse me?

SS: Your penis. The word going around the convention is it’s quite an impressive specimen.

TT: Who’s saying this?

SS: Me, but I’m telling some very reliable sources that it’s true. So, how big is it?

TT: I’m not going to discuss-

SS: -Tony, it’s me… Scoop. If I don’t ask these questions who’s going to?

TT: Well, I’d rather not answer that.

SS: Come on!

TT: No.

SS: Come on!

TT: No.

SS: Fine, how about some comparative item –

TT: -Fine! Sam Jackson.

SS: You’re penis is the same size as Sam Jackson’s?

TT: No, damn it! It’s the size of Sam Jackson.

(Stunned silence from yours truly.)

TT: You happy? It’s as big as Sam Jackson.

SS: Um, why Sam Jackson.

TT: I drew a happy face on it one time. It looked just like Sam Jackson. When he’s bald, not like when he’s got that Pulp Fiction hair.

SS: Well, Tony, uh, congratulations.

TT: Sure, whatever.

SS: Let’s wrap this up.

TT: Please.

SS: Anything you’ve got coming up?

TT: I was hoping to get the role of Lance Guest in that one man show-

SS: Lance Guest: Inside the mind?

TT: Yeah. Then that Daniel Roebuck guy came in and took it away.

SS: The man is fightin’ to keep you down.

TT: Fuckin’ A right. The Goddamned man!

Luckily Tony has been able to find some work. He was in 10 projects in 2005 and has 13 projects due for release this year.

Brought to you by Moxie.

If you drink Moxie, the terrorists have won.

Hot Off The Press #5

By Scoop Snoopum

Daniel Roebuck is a television staple He’s appeared on more television shows than Frank Stallone. I had a chance to interview Daniel in this Hot Off The Press exclusive.

SS: Daniel Roebuck, how are you doing today?

DR: Good Scoop, thanks.

SS: Can I call you Dan?

DR: No.

SS: How about Cuddles?

DR: Sure.

SS: Cuddles, you’ve done a ton of television and some mighty fine movies. “The Devil’s Rejects”, is the one that always comes to mind.

DR: It was a great experience. I think Rob (Zombie) has really come along as a filmmaker. Did you every see his movie, “House Of A 1000 Corpses”?

SS: Yeah, it sucked balls.

DR: Hairy balls at that. So you know what I mean when Devil’s surpassed it a hundred fold.

SS: I completely agree. I’d like to move on to the role where people know you the most-

DR: -Leslie Arzt?

SS: Yep, Leslie Arzt from the hit show LOST. How’d you get that role?

DR: Funny story. I went in and had one hell of an audition. So I got the part.

SS: How’s that funny?

DR: Huh, I guess you’re right.

SS: Your character in LOST blew himself up while handling dynamite. How was that shot?

DR: I did my own stunts on that shoot.

SS: You did your own stunts?

DR: Yes I blew up. They wanted to being in a convict on death row for that gag, but I’m a pro and insisted I do it myself.

SS: You actually blew yourself up for that shot?

DR: You bet. I really think it brought out the reality of the scene. The audience can tell when something is faked. I believe in authenticity. When that gore hits Jorge Garcia (Hurley), that’s part of my thigh.

SS: Wow, that’s some good work.

DR: You bet. Jorge even kept a chunk. So I’ve got this divet in my thigh.

SS: Now that’s a funny story.

DR: Oh, yeah. I see the difference now.

SS: I’ve got to wrap this up Daniel-

DR: -Cuddles.

SS: Sorry. I’ve got to wrap this up Cuddles. Anything you want to promote before we go?

DR: Yeah, I’ll be appearing in the one-man show, “Lance Guest: Inside The Mind” at the Omaha Dinner Theater in August.

SS: As Lance Guest?

DR: Oh, yeah. It’s a great role. I’m really looking forward to it.

That’s another classic interview in the bank folks. So keep you’re eyes open for some more a list chats coming soon.

This interview has been brought to you by: Moxie Soda.

Don’t call it the runs, call it Moxie.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Hot Off The Press #4

By Scoop Snoopum

The stars came out en masse this weekend for the Fangoria Horror Convention, known to fans and non-fans alike as Fango.

I was able to secure a press pass to this highly acclaimed event and was able to obtain some very exclusive interviews with some of today’s hottest actors who are respected as some of the best of this or any other generation.

First up was Lance Guest. You may remember him dear readers as Alex in the critically acclaimed box office smash “The Last Starfighter”. Lance has also appeared in such hits as, “Halloween 2” and was also Peoples Choice Award nominated for his groundbreaking work in, “Jaws: The Revenge”.

I spoke with Lance,

SS: Lance good to see you.

LG: Always great to get a chance to talk to you Scoop.

SS: Thanks, Lance. My first question is, what are you working on now?

LG: Great question Scoop. The past couple of years I’ve been working in t.v. Maybe you saw me in JAG, also I had a brief stint in NYPD Blue.

SS: You played Mercy Hawks on that show.

LG: You bet. It was a great experience. If you ever need to learn how to use foul language, I suggest taking classes from Dennis Franz. He’s a real pro. I also worked on House this last season.

SS: As Lewis in the episode “Safe”. That was excellent work. You received a T.V. Guide best cameo nomination for that one, correct?

LG: You bet, a real honor. If you ever get the chance to go to one of their award ceremonies, I suggest the fish, excellent.

SS: Good to know. So tell me… what’s next for Lance Guest?

LG: I’m auditioning regularly. I’m up for a role on Veronica Mars next season. I’m also writing and working on a one-man stage show, “Lance Guest: Inside the Mind”. It should be some powerful stuff.

SS: Sound like it. Well Lance, it’s been great seeing you again. Let’s have lunch soon and discuss the one-man show. I want the exclusive.

LG: You got it Snoopum. You’re the main man on my list.

SS: Take care.

LG: Uh, Scoop?

SS: Yes, mega star and award nominated actor Lance Guest?

LG: That’ll be twenty bucks for the autographed picture.

SS: Ah, right. Here ya go.

LG: A guy’s gotta eat.

SS: Don’t I know it.

There you have it folks, an exclusive interview with someone we could easily consider one of the finest talents around. Like Alex Rogan from ”The Last Starfighter”, Lance Guest is keeping his gaze firmly planted on the stars.

Coming soon more exclusive interviews from Fango ’06.

Fangoria Coverage brought to you by Moxie Soda.
If it doesn’t make you puke, it ain’t Moxie.

Hot Off The Press #3

By Scoop Snoopum

It was a hell of a weekend boys and girls. The stories were pouring out like sweat from Charles Durring’s upper lip.

Friday night found me touring my own backyard of Hollywood. All seemed quiet, when a helicopter swooped down like a bird of prey and hovered near by. I had no time to adjust myself to the situation when the sound of police sirens threw a new layer of activity on the street corner. Seconds later, a brown Oldsmobile careened passed me, disappearing around the corner followed closely by our loyal boys in blue.

A crack of metal as the brown Olds hit a tree and stopped dead. Before my very eyes the driver, a young man in white, sprinted like a wheezing gazelle up a nearby staircase to attempt a daring escape into a housing development.

Our, brave officers gave pursuit and with the aid of a spotlight from the chopper, ourrapscallious law breaker was siezed. All was well again in the city of angels. Crime had once again been brought back to zero.

Great work boys. Another baddy is off the street and another apartment has opened up for rent. Let this be a lesson to Johnny Rottenapple out there. You may be able to run, but you can't hide.

Today’s, “Hot Off The Press”, is brought to you by Moxie Soda. If it doesn’t taste like stale balls, it’s not Moxie.

Moxie, a truly different elixir.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Sound Of Silence

So, do you own an i-pod? If so have you ever seen this icon pop up on your display?

Yeah, it ain't a good sign.

Literal translation: You're fucked.
I believe its orgin is Aztec, but don't quote me on that.

This little guy paid me a visit yesterday afternoon just minutes before going to the gym. I got on the phone and called Apple support, explained the issue and the guy says I'll have to send it in. The whole repair or replacement process will take about two weeks. Two weeks! Holy Shit!

I realized I have become dependent on my i-pod. It's a part of me. I walk everywhere and listen to music or more recently podcasts. I gain tons of uneducated unsubstantiated news from this device. How will I keep up my non-formal education?

I am entering an entirely new universe over the next two weeks. I may not make it out.

I decided to hit the gym anyway. My physical health was more important than having something to listen to while I workout. Funny thing is, if you don’t have something to distract you, you really do feel like a hamster on a wheel when you’re running the treadmill.

Brain Fart

Time to test your point of view on movies. More on a philosophical bent than anything else. It's a two parter.


Part 1:

Pretend you have three children. The first child is excellent at math but is always bordering on flunking out of English. The second child is brilliant at English, but can barely put two and two together. The third is great at Math and English and really expected to go places.

Which one do you hate?

Part 2:

Now, you have three filmmakers.

Brian De Palma

Quentin Tarantino


Steven Soderbergh

Which one do you hate?

This does not work if you hate children.

Speaking of children, a hearty congratulations to Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz on their new baby boy. There is a Pi, or The Fountain joke there, but I'm not going to go for it.