Happy B-Day

It's an hour early, but at 11:52 I'll have finished my last drink two years ago.

Two years clean and sober. Smoke that!

I had written this huge entry, but realized it was pretentious and silly. I'm not one to talk and lecture. We all learn in our own time what we need to learn.

I will say one thing though. This is something I've been using a lot recently just to keep myself straight.

"If I think I have it figured out, I know I'm on the wrong track."

It's not my place to know. It's my place to be. Stay on top of learning and life will happen on it's own. These are things I try to remember. I don't live by them yet, because I always want to be the know it all smart guy, but I'm working on it.

I don't want to be the smart guy, I just don't want to be stupid. Does that make sense? If not, ask me and I'll explain it.

Anyway. Here I am, still standing on my own two feet and still being carried forward by a strength that is not mine, but one I have faith in.

I am not a praying man, but this is the one that we say in A.A. and I believe in it.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference."

Can't ask for more than that...Well you could, but I'm trying not to push too hard.

Another Day In The Factory

Two things of note that took place today. The first is a quote. A woman in the office was gossiping on the phone with a friend and this is what she said.

“She’s getting married to some bigwig. He’s like John Tesh’s assistant or something.”

Wow! All I need is a gig as Mary Hart or Judge Judy’s assistant and I can be considered a bigwig amongst all the ladies.

The second thing that happened is my possible network debut. I was chosen by the host to be a part of one of those pre-taped skits. An assistant (bigwig) came into the office and asked if I wouldn’t mind being pushed around in a chair by the shows host while she sang, “For he’s a jolly good fellow” to me. I’d have to pull a Buster Keaton face while she did it. They also wanted me to wear a birthday hat.

My boss was ecstatic and said yes for me. She was excited. I was not. The host came in and we chatted. She seems like a nice gal and would probably be a hoot at a dinner party. We shot the routine and afterwards Dave who works with me came in and said the Host had picked me personally for the bit. She had seen me in the office and pointed to the bigwig (assistant) and said she wanted me. You’re thinking It’s because my rugged good looks hit it off well on camera, but you’re wrong.

The real reason she asked for me was because I’m a bit of a minority in the office. I’m one of the few guys who are straight and pushing around a gay guy in a chair seemed a little…gay.

I have a feeling I’ll be edited out, or it’ll be condensed so you get about one second of me, but we’ll see. It was goofy nonetheless and got me out of my regular job for a few minutes.

Another day closes in tinsel town.

A Little L.A. Love

There are plenty of things to dislike about this town; the biggest being is it’s just not that attractive. Instead I’d like to point out three things that I’ve seen recently that make this a real stand out place.

1. Back stage at work, I got to see a monkey outside of his cage just sit there on the ground looking bored. It was like he worked a hard day and just wanted to go home and get drunk. No looking around like, “Isn’t this crazy?” Just a bored monkey who would have lit up if he smoked. He did take time to scratch his balls through his diaper, proving that teamsters are descendants of monkeys.


2. I was walking home from the gym and passed Spiderman and Darth Vader drinking Big Gulps and debating about who owed what part of the cable bill. I never would have thought that good and evil could cohabitate the same domicile. Darth had his mask up so he could drink his soda easier, but Spidey was drinking his through the mask, so this wet stain slowly grew around his mask. Everything you want in a hero.



3. This is the one that I just put together today. The teenage female tourist. A family will come to check out Hollywood and it’s a very standard scene. Dad is in shorts and a t-shirt displaying where they have already visited (Disney Land, Universal Studios, etc.). He’ll have a camera; sunglasses, a baseball cap and a disgruntled look on his face. Mom wears shorts, a white blouse, a gigantic sun hat and a smaller camera to catch the moments that dad refuses to photograph. The son comes in two varieties. The little kid who is decked out in all sorts of Hollywood memorabilia has a ring of chocolate and assorted sweets around his mouth and looks like a speed freak from all of the sugar. Or he is the disenfranchised teenager who acts like he doesn’t want to be there, wears a Metallica shirt for a concert he never went to and jeans that hang low to show off his underwear. Now the daughter. Always in her mid-teens and is dressed to the hilt. The tight dress, makeup in full glamour mode, the latest in sunglasses and foot ware. They also walk like their ass is a metronome. It clicked this morning that they are thinking “Discovery” . They want to be ready in case some agent or movie star sees them at The Hamburger Hamlet and thinks, “Who is that girl? She’s a star in the making!” It’s cute, because they don’t know you’ll never see anyone famous on the boulevard. All right, that’s not entirely true, you can frequently catch Martin Short polishing his star on the walk of fame. That guy has celebrity disease like no one else.

This is the stuff that, in one week, you'd only see in Los Angeles

Update

I wanted to work they put me to work. Twelve-hour days, fifteen yesterday, I’m being run ragged. Editing is going well. I wouldn’t call it the most creative work I’ve done, but it’s great to practice cutting.

I wish I had a lot to say right now, but it’s all business. Nothing much going on in my life. I’ve been doing the dreams of stuff I want to buy, places I’d like to move to all that crap. I’m not going to jump too fast this time though. I need to set money aside and pay off some bills. I’ll be finding a new place with Gabe in the near future and taking care of some small things, but I’ve decided to wait to make sure the show is renewed before buying a car. But the plans for now are enough to keep me busy and moving towards what and who I want to be.

Oh…

A legendary cinematographer has passed away.

Sven Nykvist who is most famous for being Ingmar Bergman’s Director of Photography passed away.

I hate to say I’ve seen very few Bergman films, but it’s true. Due to my low self-esteem, I’m afraid they’d intimidate me. Silly to a fault, but that’s how I’ve always looked at it.

Nykvist did shoot one of my favorite Woody Allen movies, Crimes and Misdemeanors. It is an all around incredible movie, but its look is something to behold.

I just wanted to a moment to a man who is looked at as one of the finest. I am glad that he was around to contribute to an art form that I love and respect.

It looks like I have some Bergman films to start watching.

I’ll try to find some fun work stories, but I’m a deck jockey way too often to get out and explore much. I haven’t even seen the stage.

So I’ll work on digging up some dirt.

Emotional Conundrum

Three months ago I sent a letter to Margaret. She’s the mother of Ash. He’s my biological son. I haven’t seen him in seven years. He’ll turn 10 on October 1st.

I received a response today and it simply said that Ash could possibly see me in October. It would have to be on a weekend, it would have to take place in Tucson; Ash determines when our meeting is over and my mother and or stepfather must be present.

All of this out of left field and suddenly I’m scared shitless about this thing. Can I go through with this? I was hoping for a positive response, but I was thinking a letter, or a phone call first. This seems very sudden and frightening.

Am I behaving like a coward? I sent the email, shouldn't I be thankful?

I can't take it all in tright now.

No More Food Stamps

Just kidding, i was never on food stamps.

But I am now gainfully employed and it looks like another chapter of my life is starting.

It also seems that I'm good at my job so far. I've made a few good moves and impressed a couple of the higher-ups.

So, it's all good news for now my little golden doughnuts.

Have a good weekend.

Dysfunction Junction

I used the title because I thought it was cute. This event is definitely not in the dysfunction arena.

If you’re not into “Too Much Info” skip this one now.

So I wake up around two in the morning last night and I’ve got to pee like a race horse, but I’ve also got a huge erection. It’s one of those where you can actually feel the muscles around your dick straining. The kind that if you move it in any direction that isn’t perpendicular to your body you wince in pain.

Guys will get it. Girls will wonder what was turning me on so much.



(Erection side note for women: Since guys first hit puberty, there is not always a sexual reason for an erection. It just happens. Like our buddy just needs to stretch. I’m sure there is some scientific blood pressure, oxygenated, too much nitrogen sort of explanation for it. I have no idea what it is. Just understand however much you want to think that we get hard because we want to fuck, it’s not always the case. We simply don’t want to spoil an opportunity if it does get hard around you. See how it works?)


Now it is extremely complex for a guy to take a leak when he’s hard. Certain valves shut down and others open up for reproductive, pearl necklace purposes. So with pressure on my bladder and boner muscles working overtime, I’m in a decent level of discomfort.

I do the bend forward 45-degree shift hips to keep it from hurting too much. At this point it is important not too touch it for fear of a sexual response and remain hard. So I start thinking of things to bring it down. Since I’m not a sports fan I try to think of bad movie experiences, unattractive people having sex, my financial situation. The things that could cause a temporary depression and slow blood flow to my nether regions.

Well, it ain’t working. I’m standing in front of the toilet bent over and this thing is pulsing and straining like it’s going to jump off my body. My bladder, sensing there is a toilet near by has gone into over time and is tightening up wanting to relieve itself of all fluids. So basically, ”IT FUCKING HURTS!!!”

I reach in and pull it out of the fly in my boxers, so now I’ve got my dick jutting out, I’m pacing back and forth waiting for it to go down. I’m trying not to look in the mirror to see how ridiculous I look, but can’t help checking every so often so I can think, “Not bad.” This goes on for about three, maybe four minutes. I’m humming to myself and getting frustrated and the bladder pressure is getting so tense that I know when I will finally be able to piss, my body won’t do it.

Finally, I feel some declination. Is it enough? At this point I don’t care, I’ve got to pee. Again, I bend over doing basic physics in my head of angle versus projection rate to make sure I’m not going to hit anything but water and wait.

Waiting.

Still waiting.

Anytime.

It’s all you bladder. Do your thing.

Green means go. So go ahead.

I left my room at 2:03 to hit the bathroom. I lay back down at 2:17. Do the math.

My stomach muscles felt like some abusive Shaolin monk had pounded them with bricks. I couldn’t move. At some point, I drifted off to sleep.

So how did you start off your 9/11?


This has been brought to you by Moxie.









Moxie, guaranteed to keep you limp.

I Dunno

I was looking for an image for a banner I'm making and came across this. It has nothing to do with what I'm designing, it just made me laugh.



That's one happy looking cat.

I'm still trying to decide if it's supposed to be a helmet, or more like a punk rock version of Louise Brooks hair style.


Yeah, I'm probably tired.

Random Entry

Haven’t posted in a few days and I always fell a little foolish leaving up one of my more negative posts for too long.

So here’s one of those not even worth reading posts.

The weather has cooled off a bit. I hear we are supposed to have one more wave of heat before the real cooling down starts, but it’s nice to have a bit of a break.

I’ve been studying up on HTML so who knows, maybe in a month or two I’ll create my own design for the blog and it’ll be all fancy schmancy. Don’t cross any fingers though.

It’s interesting how much a life depends on income. I’d love to start going out more and maybe meeting some people, but it’s a lot harder to do when you can’t pay for gas, drinks, impulse trips and all that jazz. Yes, a job will be nice to have not only for the monetary reasons, but also just to boost my confidence with some sort of purpose.

I started my photo blog and have barely gone out to take any photos. I need to do more of that. It’s free after all.

My two years of being clean and sober is just around the corner. I’m trying to think of a way to celebrate.

This is going to sound a little odd, but I have pondered starting drinking again. It happens to most alcoholics. We get to a point where we are curious if we could handle it again. If maybe we aren’t really alcoholics and just needed time to get our heads together. It’s a nice fantasy, but the bottom line is I am an alcoholic and addict and even if it seems that I could keep my shit together for a while, it would slowly grow back to the old ways and I’d be fucked again. Starting over from day one does not seem like a lot of fun to me. So for now, I’ll stay on my path.

It’s officially two weeks since I quit smoking. Not too bad. I did have a dream the other night that doctors found flecks of cancer in my lungs, so I started smoking again because I figured it was too late anyway. The “flecks” thing is exactly how it was described to me. In my dream state I kept imagining the cancer to be like the flakes in a snow globe, just drifting around inside my lungs. I was more scared by the fact that I was smoking again than I was about the cancer.

I have a lot of private things I’d like to discuss, but can’t because I know who reads this. Is that a bummer or what? I have to self-sensor. I could start a private blog, or a journal, but that defeats the purpose of why I started this one in the first place. Maybe I’ll just stop caring about who reads it and let it all hang out. We’ll see.

Move Along

So I went and did the whole temp company thing yesterday.

It was a lot different than when I did it the first time up in Oakland. Then, they sat me down and we had a real interview. They asked about my background and things I should remember when dealing with employers, the whole job searching shebang.

Yesterday was like an assembly line process. Fill out paperwork, check. Sit down with a representative and hand over you resume, check. Take some skill tests, check. Call us tomorrow and we’ll see if anything is available. It was so impersonal that I felt like they didn’t even want me there.

I had dressed nice, too nice. All the other applicants were in jeans and t-shirts. I had a tie, dress shirt, pressed pants, the complete package and felt like I was being pushed aside because of it. Like I wasn’t serious because I wasn’t looking desperate enough.

I know I’ve been scared in the past over this whole thing, and I knew I felt like giving up. But after yesterday, I really wonder if I am going to make it. Not even make it, just survive. I’m starting to realize my skill set isn’t really made to survive in the real world. I’m not trying to sound negative, I’m just trying to really look at what I have and how I can use it to bring in money to live. Working towards being a better person doesn’t really look good on a resume.

Never give up, never surrender.

I wish I could get a job and move on to other things, because I’m getting really fucking tired about talking about this stuff and I’m sure your sick of reading it.

Move Along

So I went and did the whole temp company thing yesterday.

It was a lot different than when I did it the first time up in Oakland. Then, they sat me down and we had a real interview. They asked about my background and things I should remember when dealing with employers, the whole job searching shebang.

Yesterday was like an assembly line process. Fill out paperwork, check. Sit down with a representative and hand over you resume, check. Take some skill tests, check. Call us tomorrow and we’ll see if anything is available. It was so impersonal that I felt like they didn’t even want me there.

I had dressed nice, too nice. All the other applicants were in jeans and t-shirts. I had a tie, dress shirt, pressed pants, the complete package and felt like I was being pushed aside because of it. Like I wasn’t serious because I wasn’t looking desperate enough.

I know I’ve been scared in the past over this whole thing, and I knew I felt like giving up. But after yesterday, I really wonder if I am going to make it. Not even make it, just survive. I’m starting to realize my skill set isn’t really made to survive in the real world. I’m not trying to sound negative, I’m just trying to really look at what I have and how I can use it to bring in money to live. Working towards being a better person doesn’t really look good on a resume.

Never give up, never surrender.

I wish I could get a job and move on to other things, because I’m getting really fucking tired about talking about this stuff and I’m sure your sick of reading it.

Staying Positive

These are some things that I have written out to keep me positive.

They are written in the active tense, because that's what ya gotta do to make it real.

Emotional Goals.

1. I trust other people and I am not afraid that they are against me. (yeah, I have some paranoid issues)

2. I am patient when it comes to dealing with other people.

3. I listen deeply and compassionately.

4. I am intelligent.

5. I ask questions when I don’t understand something.

6. I communicate my feelings without anger or fear of being ridiculed.

7. I enjoy my life.


8. I continue to works towards my goals no matter what barriers are in my way.

9. I take time to understand my feelings before reacting (see #6).

10. I believe in my creativity.

11. I continue to grow in Body, Mind, and Spirit.

12 I am not ugly on the outside or inside.

Here's the best part. When I was making the list, I misspelled intelligent. It seems I have a long way to go. Stop laughing at me ;)

The Head Doth Spinith

So Aaron and Barabra had the baby. Last night near midnight. They had to cut her open because that kid refused to come out.

He weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces. That’s a big fucking kid. This kid was so large, that the infant diapers the hospital provides were actually stretched to the limit. He’s a large child, end of story.

So I drove down to the hospital and sat in the waiting room for several hours. I saw Aaron once who showed me some digital photos that had been taken. He was cute, even with the baby gooey stuff and red splotches all over him.

Aaron had changed. There was instantly something different about him. His gait, the way he moved, it was a proud father thing. I haven’t seen him look that happy… ever? Well, I’ve seen him really happy, but this had all sorts of other things going on, so it was the only time I’ve ever seen him looking like that.

I’ll post a picture if I ever get one.

Enough about being happy for other people. This is my blog, so lets get back to important stuff. Me!

I have a lot going through my head right now and I know there are several factors. The baby being one of them: It is a reminder of my own shortcomings and how I’ve screwed up in the past. It brought up a lot of issues that made me feel like a failure in several departments. Part of me looks to Aaron to be that redemptive part. I screwed up, but I can take joy in the fact that he won’t. Living through other people, nothing better.

I came off the Wellbutrin yesterday and I’m starting to feel the effects wearing off today. It is a general splitting of the mind where all parts want to fight with each other. I have had several fictional fights with people in my head. No reason, just wanted to argue with them. The best part is I never won. I always saw the error in my own argument and had to back down. I can’t even win a fight in my own head. That may be a good thing. It shows I’m not delusional enough to forgo logic, right? Or I’m just a push over, you decide.

The third thing that has made an impact is lack of sleep. I have actually slept less over the last three days than Aaron or Barabra. They actually got to fall asleep late last night where as I didn’t. I napped from about 5 to 7 this morning, but that was it. So I’m really loopy. Don’t know why I haven’t slept, just toss and turn for a bit then say, “Screw it!” and watch a movie.

My phone just rang and it was yet another job rejection. So that’s helpful to my mood. This too shall pass.

The good news is I haven’t started smoking yet, I’ve reached my initial goal of 165 pounds and I feel really good physically. It’s a start and that’s all you need to get going.

Peace out y'all.