Sunday, December 30, 2007


Here's a quick little thing that I've noticed. I'm jackin' caffeine into my system like it's illegal. And it is having some adverse effects. At least that's what I'm attributing my mental freak-outs too.

Freak-out is too strong a word, but aggressive feelings have been popping up and I've been trying to figure out why.

WHAT I KNOW: The mind attempts to legitimize why the body is reacting the way it is. So if I have an accelerated heart rate or feeling uncomfortable or twitchy, the mind will find an emotional excuse as to why your body is behaving the way it is.

EXAMPLE: When someone upsets you, your body begins to tense up. The brain says that your body is tense because someone is upsetting you, the only way to relieve this is to attach and get the thing that is causing tension to go away. You then become angry and attack.

MY CASE: My body has been reacting to too much caffeine. The mind is falling back on situations and people that I have been angry with, because it has caused the same bodily reactions in the past. So I get angry for no reason at people in my mind and feel aggressive towards them for no legitimate reason.

RESOLUTION: Less caffeine will relax the body and in turn relax the mind.

This is of course only a possible theory, but one I'm sticking to for the time being. I do have some hurt feelings over certain friendships right now and relationships not going in the direction that I want them too (spoiled shit that I am). But my mental response is not logical or balanced, I guess, is the word to use.

Anyway long story short... Gots'ta chill on the sodas!

Heads Up

So I'm working on the whole antidepressant post. I'm trying to find ways to explain it properly. I think it may just be better to free flow it and let you sort out what you will.

Until then I decided to start up a Flickr account so you can check out all of the pictures I've been taking. They aren't all there because I can only upload 100mgs a month. So the others will go up in a bit.

I went out today and decided to take photos of random people. I asked if I could take their picture. Most said sure a couple said no. Not too bad though. It gets me socializing a bit more. It's a start.

So more soon. I'm going to try and get more out on the blog to help keep the writing and brain flowing properly.

Sunday, December 23, 2007


I'll give an exciting and probing update about my time so far on anti-depressants in a day or two, but for now, here are a few more pictures tat have turned into a growing project at work.

I'm slowly getting the entire staff. I have about 30 so far. So I'm making progress.

Sunday, December 09, 2007


This is my first entry from the exciting new laptop that I recently purchased. It’s a decked out, state of the art, fully loaded, kick ass, and take names Apple Macbook Pro. Yes, very exciting.

Why buy it? Well, I just wanted a level of freedom that I haven’t had in a while. I now have the ability to write, edit, photo-edit and other exciting creative things that I like to do. And yes, I can surf the net and fid porn! I also snagged a special camera bag for my SLR that holds the computer, a couple lenses and some extra crap. So it’s all kinds of levels of cool to a geek like me.

It’s been a while since I‘ve written and since the last time, I quit smoking for just over a month, had a crazy emotional breakdown and almost started drinking again. I settled on starting up smoking instead. So I’m an odd form of success through failure.

I’ve been so freaked out being on this up and down emotional rollercoaster, that I finally made a decision to go on anti-depressants for a while. It will not only help me quit smoking, but should balance me out while I try to get through some of the social and emotional issues that I’ve been starting to work on through therapy. So I’m using them as a temporary aid and not a permanent solution. That’s how this shit should be used.

It’s interesting that I’ve spent the last week or so trying to pinpoint when I really started freaking out again. I’ve gone searching for people to blame and make some form of order out o chaos when I came o a decision just before sitting down to write: This is life. There is no one to blame. Shit happens and I jus need to ride it out and start making decisions that will send me in a more positive direction. I’m sure I’ve made this statement before in a past entry. That’s always the way. I travel in circles or more like spirals. Continually passing by the same point again and again until it finally sinks in and my psychology moves out to he next ring. The learning process begins all over again with new circumstances, new situations.

So I’ll start on the meds on Wednesday or Thursday, depending on when I can actually get to the drug store. If it’s anything like last time, it’ll take about four to five days to start feeling the effects. Hopefully I’ll be able to start looking at the world with a balanced point of view for a while. We’ll see.

Or now, here are a couple of pictures I’ve taken and processed through the software on the laptop

This last one looks like Jenae was taking a picture of herself in a mirror, but I'm actually taing a picture of her taking a picture of me.