Sunday, November 30, 2008

Sometimes, Finite Is Good

I enjoy the concept of limitless possibilities. It gives a person something to hope for. The new and unknown is right around the corner. Hooray!

But I have problems with it as well. It can create, for me, a level of gluttony. This is something I do not enjoy. It limits me and creates an emotional prison. It keeps me worried about specific things and I cannot move forward because I can't let go of these nitpicks.

The biggest of these is food. This is where having blinders and keeping in a sense of tunnel vision becomes a plus. Case in point, shopping for groceries.

Back in the day, when I was very good at eating properly and keeping a decent diet going I had my pattern of shopping. I knew exactly where the items I could buy were and my path would not allow me to stray from it. Now I have strayed from that path into the unknown aisles of treats and curiosities. What is this bag of tasty things? Oh, look at that colorful package, what is in it? This looks scrumptious. SO I end up trying things that I shouldn't be.

I have been going to the gym on a regular basis (minus guest visits) and I am slowly returning to that place where I once was. What makes returning to it so different is I've seen the end of this road before. I know where I'm going to go, where as before I was searching for the road. So this time I feel a lot more comfortable straying since I know the path. Grrrr.

It's not anger I feel so much as minor pangs of regret. At my level, there are only so many different flavors. I've tasted chocolate and peppermint, so having more isn't new, it's just indulgent. I need to remind myself of that. It's not like the flavor is going to vaporize off the planet and I'll be damning myself for not having enough. As a matter of fact the York peppermint patty will probably live long after my time on this earth has passed.

On the good side, I'm writing a lot more (not here but elsewhere). So that is a plus. I feel a pattern falling into place that I enjoy as I work towards a goal. I'll need to work on keeping it in practice, but loose enough to move around in case I find a job. It's the exercise and diet  that will help keep my energy up, which is why I lay so much importance on it. It is an interesting thing when you want to complete so much in a day, but there are only so many hours. God knows ow it would fall apart if I had a family. It wouldn't, or would be moving at a much slower pace. I don't know how well I'd do with that. 

Isn't that one of my eternal questions.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Shield Down

It was the series finale of The Shield tonight. I know it's kind of shallow to feel sad about a television show ending like it was part of your life, but I am. Not that I could relate to any of the characters or like they had become a family to me. It just felt sad to watch it end. It was good, not a classic, but few are.

There is that part of me that relates it to Shea. Funny how there is a part of me that still misses her. See, the show had been on and I'm a big fan of the corrupt cop sub-genre. I have been forever. I drool over Sidney Lumet movies like Serpico and Q&A. I'll defend Prince of the City until the day I die.

Anyway, it had been on for a few seasons and I thought I'd rent the first season. I got into it quickly and was over at Shea's when she was working while I was watching. The next thing we were both glued to the set popping episodes like they were drugs. Well drugs for me jellybeans for her, we each have our addictions. It had gotten so bad that we stopped waiting for netflix and drove to the local video store, grabbed take out and watched the entire third season on a rainy Sunday. It was a good day. It was one of those things that we shared. 

I've told this story many times to people when they ask if I watch The Shield. Now it's over. No new seasons to look forward to and it will start to fade into the past just like that day has, just like the relationship did. There is nothing current that I can hold onto, only memory.

God I hate being this blubbery and cheesy.