One Brief Glimpse

I ordered a late lunch from Bassa Nova and was walking down to pick it up. The route I take are through some back alleys and they are just that, alleys. Discarded furniture, a sleeping homeless person, dumpsters proclaiming, “Ziva is a fag”. The surrounding apartments run about four to five stories up. It’s an alley.

So I’ walking down and I catch the sound of a violin. It’s live, you can tell the difference. The lone instrument is cleanly playing Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. I think it’s Autumn. maybe Spring, I always forget which is which.



I was really struck for a moment and stopped to listen. In the middle of all this concrete, trash and broken glass came this beautiful piece of music. I’d say it would be akin to finding a flower growing through the pavement.

Just a really nice moment.

Just Tired

I’m beat. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, just out of it.

I’m having dreams where I think people are going out of town and find out they're not. Ask questions that I’ve already asked and not asking questions thinking I’ve already gotten the answers. I think I’ve even had a brief hallucination or two.

Just strange shit.

I’m looking at my calendar and seeing I haven’t had a day off of work in 29 days and it’s looking more and more that I wont for two to three more weeks. Not good.

I’m in the middle of training a new weekend editor, he’s doing fine, but all I want to do is just edit everything so I can go home. I contain myself, knowing it's better in the long run.

The latest I’ve been able to sleep in is 6:00 and most of the days I’m up between 4:30 and 5:00. It’s grueling and at the end of it, not very satisfying.

I’m glad I have Aaron with me at work. The humor keeps me going most of the time. If it weren’t there I’d have probably jumped out a window by now. If my office had a window, that is.

I’m way behind in getting a new episode of FGP out. I just shot my part for an episode that we shot two weeks ago. It may have only been one week; time is one giant blob right now.

I come home from work and nap for about an hour, which keeps me from falling asleep when I should.

I’m waking up almost every hour on the hour at night; I check my email to see if anyone has written. It’s funny how no one writes me at three in the morning. I wonder why that is? Oh, right, they’re fucking asleep.



There is a light at the end of this tunnel. I know I’m moving through it and I know it’s there, I’m just not seeing it yet. It’ll happen.

There is that part of me that wishes I had a girlfriend, so I could fall asleep in her lap. That comfort and warmth of another caring human being watching over me feels necessary right now. But I’m in no place for that and I couldn’t return any of the caring and compassion that I want to give.

Though at this point I’d settle for a good lay, sleeping in late and a nice breakfast at a decent greasy spoon.


(side note: As I was attempting to upload this picture, I kept looking at the screen wondering why it wasn't uploading. It took me a minute to realize I didn't push the upload button. I'm a fucktard.)

Step Up Stupid Fucker

The latest words of inspiration that adorns the office wall is from an employee who recently moved to San Francisco to pursue a better life and family. The words are simple and to the point.

STUPID FUCKERS!

Heartfelt and honest, that’s how I feel about them.

I’ve been hoisted with a lot more responsibility over the past month and a half than I signed up for. I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Then I realized I didn’t mind the responsibility as much as I minded the pay that went with the responsibility. Other people are doing much less and getting paid much more.

I am not a proactive person and have never felt that I was worth much. I’ve never spoken up or asked for any kind of title change or pay increase. I discussed the possibility with some friends who were very honest and kind with their advice. It boiled down to, “Ask for more money, stupid fucker.”

I approached a couple of supervisors and asked if I could possibly get a title change and raise since I’d accepted so much more. “Of, course.” was the response. “Just write down a title and what you think your salary should be and we’ll take it to the boss.

So I wrote up a few titles, including a couple of joke titles so they’d see I was not being overly serious about this. God forbid they think I really do believe in myself. I then went an extra mile and wrote down all of the things I had been made responsible for and how, given the title change and raise, I could help make the department more efficient and organized.

I presented the letter and my supervisor thought that it was more than fair. (This makes me think I should have asked for more, but I know I can stand firm on what I’ve asked.) She said everything looked great and if it was up to her, there would be no problems. She’s taking it to the big boss people and will stand behind it, which is good.

Now all I have to do is wait and see what the response it.

And in all honesty, I’m worth every penny to them. They are getting a good deal and they’ll know it. If they don’t, time for me to start an exit strategy, or tuck tail between my legs and do as master says.

Videodrome

I haven't shown off any videos for a while, so here are a couple that have crossed my path.

First up a little tribute to everyones favorite intergalactic homosexual, Mr. Sulu.



Now this next one is lonh, but you've got to watch the entire thing it's just great animal nuttiness at it's finest. It features, Lions, Water Buffalo and Crocodile. Plus some human narration that gives new meaning to the words, "No shit,really?"



Hope you enjoyed them. Now go shake that buldge and stay away from the Buffalo.

Lesson Not Learned

This is really more about something I know about myself, but still have not totally grasped how to conquer.

I can be mean. I can be harsh. I can make a snap judgment, knee-jerk reaction that does not always play to the side of good.

This is a defense maneuver that I have always used to defend myself. Someone makes a comment about me that hurts my feelings in some way, I snap back with some snarky comment that can cut to the quick and be quite cruel.

It’s not something that I like about myself. But I know it is something that is a part of me and I must work on it.



I grew up being insulted. I never defended myself. I let myself believe that they were right and that I was useless. I got older and when I finally decided to stand up when I was attacked, I over shot it. There is probably that nurtured part of me that is actually lashing out at all those things that happened as a kid and I take it out on whoever is picking on me.

I used to be worse. I’d attack and hold onto anger and refuse to believe that my defense mechanism was wrong. That it was all right to be mean and cruel.

At least now-a-days I grasp quickly that I make the mistake and try to apologize for it as quickly as possible. Some people have been kind and open enough to understand and some haven’t. That’s the way life works.

So I must practice listening and hearing what I am really being told. I need to see what and why the other person is saying what they are saying. Maybe it’s an accident; maybe it’s just a bad day for them. Maybe they make some valid points but are just not that great at articulating them. Perhaps they don’t even know the work articulate.

I just had a flash of the third step prayer in AA. Not being a fan of religion, I’d rather look at it as some solid words of advice to pay attention to and practice.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Apply that to when I feel I am being attacked and I’ve got a solid foundation.

I’d really like other advice anyone can offer, so please don’t be shy. Let me know how you handle situations where you feel that someone is attacking you. I mean that in the verbal attack sense. We can discuss what happens when being attacked by a guy with a sword at some later date.

Thanks.