Saturday, September 29, 2007

Upswing And Voice Lessons

As always, the pendulum continues to swing. I was feeling at my lowest on Thursday, but after a few more days of rest and just bumming around, I’m feeling better. Actually, I was feeling better after goofing around on Thursday for a bit. I went to I-Hop for a burger and deep fried cheesecake. Nothing like junk food to make you feel better emotionally, if not worse physically.

In honor of my three years clean and sober I ordered some poster frames for my collectables. Soon I’ll be able to be a cool geek with some design flare. I originally wanted to throw my business at a local guy, but he was going to charge me 99 buck a frame. I found the exact same style and deal online for 54 bucks each. Ah the internet, helping to destroy brick and mortar one brink at a time.

Anyway, I was having a conversation with myself when I wondered if I was possessed. I realized that there were two very distinct voices in my head. I’m pretty sure they have always been there, so I decided to engage the voice that I felt was the one I had less control over. Maybe this is standard in everyone, the opposing side wanting to be heard and understood. Instead of thinking about how it should answer, I just let it answer. Let it run wild and say what it wanted to say. So I asked it questions.

I am Jack's inner voice:

Me: So what do you want?

Voice: I want to be heard.

Me: How.

Voice: Write.

Me: What if you’re no good at it?

Voice: Does it really matter?

Me: Not really as long as I’m writing.

Voice: Exactly.

Me: What about the Primer?

Voice: Not enough.

Me: So what will you write?

Voice: Just be open to it when it comes.

Me: Are you a demon?

Voice: Stop acting stupid.

Me: Right, got it.

And I stopped. It went away fro now. It’ll start screaming at me at some point and I need to start listening when it does. Perhaps it’s that part of me that needs to exist to make me whole. Maybe I’m just being an idiot. Maybe… I dunno.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Santo Year 3

September 27th = 3 years clean and sober.

Uh, hooray?

Sure why not. Honestly, I don’t really care. I want to care, I want to think I’ve accomplished something but honestly, with everything out there to reach for and achieve this is small potatoes.

Anyone can throw it all away and pull himself or herself back together. That’s what all the storybooks tell us. So this is nothing spectacular, noting original, nothing worth gabbing about, so let’s move on shall we.

I’m in the middle of a five day weekend. I was forced to take a break. I didn’t want to. I want it made clear that I wasn’t suspended, I was told to take a few days off because I’ve been overworked and need the rest.

All of it happened when I tried t find out about seeking therapy. I thought things like this were supposed to be kept confident. I thought that discussing an employee who asks about seeking help is not to be shared. As a matter of fact I believe it’s illegal. Oh, right it is! Mutha Fucka, I been screwed!

So I asked about EAP to find out about seeing a therapist. I’m tired, burned out and feeling angry, so I figured talking to a licensed professional about it would come in handy. Not a bad idea, right. So I’m asking to get a phone number and within ten minutes I’m being pulled into an office by the head honcho and I’m being asked about what’s going on.

I get it they’re being concerned. They’re being kind and caring and want to help. But it’s not their fucking problem. All I wanted was a phone number. It’s not that tough.

So I’m told to take the rest of the week off and do what I need to do to take care of myself. Now I’m bored shitless and trying to figure out what to do. I don’t want to veg, but that seems to be all I can do right now.

I don’t want to spend money, but there is very little to do in this town if you don’t’.

Blah, Blah, blah….

I'm not even checking the spelling or grammar on this crap. Oh wait, do I ever?

Sunday, September 23, 2007

55 Days Beat That

Well, I finished out working 55 hours straight at work. Pretty crazy. A record I wouldn’t recommend trying to beat. It’s not worth it.

I slept 12 hours Friday night and have been napping on and off for the past two days. My body has started to relax, so now all my muscles are sore as hell. I’ve been popping zinc and Echinacea to make sure I don’t catch a cold from the shift in schedule.

Now that I’ve had a bit of free time I have remembered why I worked so much in the first place, other than the fact work needed to be done.

Time off means I need to spend time with myself. I get all introspective and start looking at where I am in life and why I’m not further along... Oh, right, drunk and junkie loser. Now I remember.

I’ve also been thinking about the relationships I’ve fucked up and the ones I still have.

If someone says to you, “I don’t see us together right now.” Write it off. It means if they can’t find someone that fits the bill, you are on the back up list. I should know this, but keep fighting for the losing side. It’s silly I can’t read between lines properly. I just want to be talked to at face value. Hurt my feelings, trust me I’ll hurt yours at some point. I know nobody wants to hurt anyone, but it’s kind of selfish to try and spare feelings. Rip the fucking tape off, don’t pull it slowly, it’s simple fucking logic.

However hurt I was when Shea dumped me, at least she dumped me. The foolish part was me thinking I could try to maintain a friendship. I’m not built that way. I can’t accept things too soon. I need time to prove I’m worth something to myself. My greatest flaw? A lack of self-esteem. I know everyone has levels of it, I just don’t like the way I handle it.

Go this is just a bunch of self-pity bullshit. I’m better than this.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007


It's official. I have been promoted and given a raise.

That's good news.

I've now worked 52 straight days and ended up pulling 32 hours over the weekend because of a certain former football player deciding to steal some trading cards and getting arrested again.

That's bad news.

It's a crazy world and I'm just plowing through it right now.

More soon.

Right now...bedtime.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007


How does a person learn to understand something? I, of course, can’t say all people come to understand something the same way, but I have my own theory as to how I learn.

I have to go through it. Touch it, see it, and make it a tangible item so the concept becomes clear.

For years I would write in journals about how I knew I was an alcoholic and drug addict. It didn’t help me overcome it, because they were just words. I could hear stories and watch films about it, but could never relate it to who I was or why I was so deep into it.

Then my life began to disintegrate around me and my problem became a physical manifestation around me. I moved through it. I felt the physical pain of detoxing, the humiliation of bankruptcy, the loss of another relationship. I physically witnessed what my life had become and what I was doing to myself and to others.

It was real and not words on paper. There was no longer any escape into dreams or delusions.

My most recent trouble that cost me a friendship was because I had to understand. I could theorize and fantasize about the "if" and "why", but I had to see for myself. What made the situation what it was? What were the physicality’s that placed me in my position?

Now I know. Perhaps the price was a little high, but I learned what was what.

It’s funny, walking home after the disintegration the other night, I had the bell go off in my head as to how the whole thing could have been avoided. I could have asked permission. I might have been told no, but I could have asked and explained why it was so important for me.

Then again, I probably didn’t understand why I was doing it in the first place until I had done it and gotten in trouble. This is another part of my character that bothers me at times. I have my hidden logic and I can’t explain it until it’s over and the shit has hit the fan.

I have to learn by doing, it’s part of my make up. If I can accept this, if I can find a way to explain it to others in any given situation, perhaps I can avoid causing pain.


Monday, September 03, 2007

4:45 A.M.

Still awake. Not even tired. My brain just keeps pouring through the details of my misdeeds and won’t stop.

It runs through alternate versions, what I should have done, what I could have done. All of it worthless and means nothing.

Talked to Stef about my inclination for retardation. She says I’m just a person who makes mistakes (everyone does quite a bit) and if the friendship is real, it’ll make it through this bump. She also says I’m not a loser, which is nice to hear but can’t really get past the hard shell of loser that is covering my brain right now. She’s a really good and sweet person.

The toughest part (it always is) is not self-imploding and lose my job or anything else right now because I can’t stop feeling like an idiot.

I have this self-fulfilling prophecy thing where I blast everything apart to help me prove that I am a reject of a human being.

I’m just rambling now.

Did I mention “Permanent Wednesday”? It’s the new catch phrase for me it seems.

When employed, a person usually gets the weekend off. This is something I’m told, I’ve yet to see any proof. So when you start on Monday, it may be crappy because it’s the beginning of the week, but you’ve just had the weekend to relax.

Wednesday, for people keeping track, is in the middle of the week. You’ve worked a couple days; you have a couple more to go. I’m stuck in Wednesday. The weekend happened sometime in the past and will happen some day in the future, I just don’t know when for sure. Hence: Permanent Wednesday.

It’s a catchy little phrase and also plays a little off of Jerry Stahl’s, “Permanent Midnight.” I’m using it as the title for my non-existent autobiography until I can find a new one.

I’m not writing an autobiography. That would seem a little pathetic, self indulgent, ridiculous. I am working on a one-man show though. Just kidding.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Thoughts Of Drinking

So I screwed up again and have lost a friend who meant a lot to me.

A lot.

Someone I enjoyed spending time with and made me feel good about myself and that life really has some great moments. Lots of laughs, lots of good times, lots of just feeling alive. Very few people can make me feel that way.

But I screwed it up.

So for the first time in a long time, I feel like going out and getting plastered. I’m not going to, that would only prove that everything I am thinking about myself at this moment is right and that I am a useless piece of garbage. That would just be a giant step back and one I might not recover from. So I’m not going to go out and buy a bottle.

The hardest part is not knowing how angry they are with me. How much they hate me.

I just want to make things right and I know that it is impossible right now and I feel helpless. It’s that feeling of helplessness that is the scariest.

I get it. I don’t have any control over anything accept my actions and it’s losing control of my actions that gets me into trouble.

I want to be able to set it aside and get a good night sleep. That ain’t gonna happen folks. I’m not wired that way. I need to suffer in my thought apparently. Some form of penance that I have in my mind so I can continue to punish myself way beyond any normal level of punishment. It’s probably some part of the catholic upbringing. I can’t be certain. Maybe it’s the way I was raised.

If there was something I could do, anything at this moment to make up for it, I would. But, nope.

I’m hoping I can learn from this mistake because I just can’t seem to get certain things through my head.

It’s so hard for me to trust, it’s so hard for me to trust and have faith that everything has its purpose and even if I don’t understand it today, someday I will.

I hate hurting people, and that’s what I did.

I’m really sorry.

Just A Jerk

I do a lot of things that I don’t like.

I do things out of a necessity to understand and it gets me in trouble.

I do things that hurt and scare other people.

I do things that remind me that I have a lot of growing up to do.

I do things that are selfish.

I do a lot of things that remind me that I’m a loser.

I do things that mean nothing.

I do things and I deserve to be hated.

I do things and I deserve to be loathed.

I do things that prove I am not a nice person.

I do things to help myself understand and it is always at a cost.

I do things that I simply shouldn’t.

I need to start doing things right and I just don’t know if I can.
I do a lot of things that I don’t like.

I do things out of a necessity to understand and it gets me in trouble.

I do things that hurt and scare other people.

I do things that remind me that I have a lot of growing up to do.

I do things that are selfish.

I do a lot of things that remind me that I’m a loser.

I do things that mean nothing.

I do things and I deserve to be hated.

I do things and I deserve to be loathed.

I do things that prove I am not a nice person.

I do things that I simply shouldn’t.

I do things to prove I don't deserve anything.

I do things that simply prove I'm a jerk and a crappy human being.

They were all right.