Sunday, October 04, 2009

Too Quiet

The heat broke and looks like it's going to say that way. This is good because I am no longer dripping sweat and turning on every fan in the apartment just to create a breeze that carries the scents of the dumpster into my room. It's a lovely smell.

But something new, actually old, has happened. I didn't really think much about it until I was sitting for a few minutes trying t understand why I was feeling a little down. Then it struck me how incredibly quiet it was. Without the rhythmic sound of whirling fan blades to keep me company I started to feel isolated. There was no activity, no life. There wasn't any life to begin with, but the manufactured noise made me feel like life was going on. It's like I've entered a strange limbo, not quite dead, not quite living. Very odd.

I'm actually quite enjoying the clack of the keyboard as I write, it just makes me want to keep going, but that's a little silly. If I did at some point it would just turn into random words. Cabinetmaker gingerbread high-tops construct the windy towers. See what I mean.

I wonder if real couples ever feel alone. Not the people who are in a relationship because they can't be alone, I mean the couples who want to be with each other. They do exist, I've met them. At least in my head I believe that's why they are together. This is starting to derail.

Anyway, When "real couples" are apart, do they discover the vacuum that I'm visiting right now? Is there that weird moment where all of the noise filters away, they look around at the dirty dishes and unmade bed then realize they are truly alone. No matter how close they can get to the person they love, no matter how much they share about themselves there is that place of togetherness that can never be reached. We're just vessels of consciousness, wrapped in flesh, never able to make real contact with someone or something else. Is this why we hunt down spirituality? To feel that something else is spinning around in our minds and souls that allows us to feel a togetherness that doesn't really exist?


So all of the movies and music and orgasms and that little zip noise that I hear when I strike my lighter is just a distraction. A way of keeping me from thinking of the inevitable truth that there is no true togetherness. See, now I'm just being myopic.

Maybe I'll try gross: A couple are in a car accident. They crash through the windshield together and for the few seconds that they are flying through the air, they catch a glimpse of each other and the same thought travels through their minds. "At least we're going out of this world together." Then they have to strike the pavement at the same moment. The asphalt shearing off their skull caps, snapping their necks and they die at the exact same time together. Ah, morbid love.

That scenario would never work for me. Because I'd also be thinking, "If we'd only left the house a few minutes later or earlier. I wonder if she's thinking of that? Naw, she's probably thinking of that guy with the hot abs in that commercial she saw the other night. Here comes the pavement. This is not going to feel too good." SMACK!!!! It was all just noise.

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