Yeah, Yeah

Long time, I know. Does it really matter? Probably not. Anyway, let's move on.

I have all sorts of issues. I know it's surprising, but it's true. Yes, that is sarcasm for the slower folks in the audience. You know who you are.

I find it hard to let my defenses down with whoever it is I'm getting into a relationship with. I believe it is what people smarter than me call it "emotionally unavailable". That's me. Emotionally unavailable. It's not something that I want, it's just the way it goes.

I'm a bit of a loser. I don't mean that in a "feel sorry for me" way, I honestly mean it it in a very looking inward at myself way. I'm 37 and I share an apartment with another single guy who is 40. I don't have a job and the ones I haver are very fleeting. I can't seem to get my shit together when it comes to that ambitious drive needed to achieve my dreams. When it comes to relationships, forget it.

I have been dumped more times than I can count. I mean really bad. I've dumped a few, but it's probably a 90-10 split when it comes to me being kicked in the butt by love. That's fine, someone has to get the short end, I'm just saying the percentage is part of the mathimatical proof that I'm a loser. I'm just laying it out there, not loking for sympathy. This is the guy you're dealing with.

With this emotional unavailability comes a downside. I get involved with someone, keep my distance and then I have to wonder if they are loking around for something better. The answer is, "Yes you fucking idiot, of course they are!" Why wouldn't they? Honestly, who wants to hold out for a period of time while I try to get my shit together. Any half-wit who gets involved with me is keeping their eyes open for something better, it's almost like an unspoken law. I accept it. It can hurt and cause some major flux in my emotions for a period of time, because I'm immature, but it all ends up better in the end I guess. They get someone who can be with them completly and I can continue not working on being more open. Everyone wins.

This is a bit of a self-depricating bitch fest, but a person has to do that sometimes. Not the best way to vome back to this blog after an extended period of laziness, but a guy has to start somewhere.