55 Days Beat That

Well, I finished out working 55 hours straight at work. Pretty crazy. A record I wouldn’t recommend trying to beat. It’s not worth it.

I slept 12 hours Friday night and have been napping on and off for the past two days. My body has started to relax, so now all my muscles are sore as hell. I’ve been popping zinc and Echinacea to make sure I don’t catch a cold from the shift in schedule.

Now that I’ve had a bit of free time I have remembered why I worked so much in the first place, other than the fact work needed to be done.

Time off means I need to spend time with myself. I get all introspective and start looking at where I am in life and why I’m not further along... Oh, right, drunk and junkie loser. Now I remember.

I’ve also been thinking about the relationships I’ve fucked up and the ones I still have.

If someone says to you, “I don’t see us together right now.” Write it off. It means if they can’t find someone that fits the bill, you are on the back up list. I should know this, but keep fighting for the losing side. It’s silly I can’t read between lines properly. I just want to be talked to at face value. Hurt my feelings, trust me I’ll hurt yours at some point. I know nobody wants to hurt anyone, but it’s kind of selfish to try and spare feelings. Rip the fucking tape off, don’t pull it slowly, it’s simple fucking logic.

However hurt I was when Shea dumped me, at least she dumped me. The foolish part was me thinking I could try to maintain a friendship. I’m not built that way. I can’t accept things too soon. I need time to prove I’m worth something to myself. My greatest flaw? A lack of self-esteem. I know everyone has levels of it, I just don’t like the way I handle it.

Go this is just a bunch of self-pity bullshit. I’m better than this.