Thoughts Of Drinking

So I screwed up again and have lost a friend who meant a lot to me.

A lot.

Someone I enjoyed spending time with and made me feel good about myself and that life really has some great moments. Lots of laughs, lots of good times, lots of just feeling alive. Very few people can make me feel that way.

But I screwed it up.

So for the first time in a long time, I feel like going out and getting plastered. I’m not going to, that would only prove that everything I am thinking about myself at this moment is right and that I am a useless piece of garbage. That would just be a giant step back and one I might not recover from. So I’m not going to go out and buy a bottle.

The hardest part is not knowing how angry they are with me. How much they hate me.

I just want to make things right and I know that it is impossible right now and I feel helpless. It’s that feeling of helplessness that is the scariest.

I get it. I don’t have any control over anything accept my actions and it’s losing control of my actions that gets me into trouble.

I want to be able to set it aside and get a good night sleep. That ain’t gonna happen folks. I’m not wired that way. I need to suffer in my thought apparently. Some form of penance that I have in my mind so I can continue to punish myself way beyond any normal level of punishment. It’s probably some part of the catholic upbringing. I can’t be certain. Maybe it’s the way I was raised.

If there was something I could do, anything at this moment to make up for it, I would. But, nope.

I’m hoping I can learn from this mistake because I just can’t seem to get certain things through my head.

It’s so hard for me to trust, it’s so hard for me to trust and have faith that everything has its purpose and even if I don’t understand it today, someday I will.

I hate hurting people, and that’s what I did.

I’m really sorry.