I have to go through it. Touch it, see it, and make it a tangible item so the concept becomes clear.
For years I would write in journals about how I knew I was an alcoholic and drug addict. It didn’t help me overcome it, because they were just words. I could hear stories and watch films about it, but could never relate it to who I was or why I was so deep into it.
Then my life began to disintegrate around me and my problem became a physical manifestation around me. I moved through it. I felt the physical pain of detoxing, the humiliation of bankruptcy, the loss of another relationship. I physically witnessed what my life had become and what I was doing to myself and to others.
It was real and not words on paper. There was no longer any escape into dreams or delusions.
My most recent trouble that cost me a friendship was because I had to understand. I could theorize and fantasize about the "if" and "why", but I had to see for myself. What made the situation what it was? What were the physicality’s that placed me in my position?
Now I know. Perhaps the price was a little high, but I learned what was what.
It’s funny, walking home after the disintegration the other night, I had the bell go off in my head as to how the whole thing could have been avoided. I could have asked permission. I might have been told no, but I could have asked and explained why it was so important for me.
Then again, I probably didn’t understand why I was doing it in the first place until I had done it and gotten in trouble. This is another part of my character that bothers me at times. I have my hidden logic and I can’t explain it until it’s over and the shit has hit the fan.
I have to learn by doing, it’s part of my make up. If I can accept this, if I can find a way to explain it to others in any given situation, perhaps I can avoid causing pain.
Maybe.
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