4:45 A.M.

Still awake. Not even tired. My brain just keeps pouring through the details of my misdeeds and won’t stop.

It runs through alternate versions, what I should have done, what I could have done. All of it worthless and means nothing.

Talked to Stef about my inclination for retardation. She says I’m just a person who makes mistakes (everyone does quite a bit) and if the friendship is real, it’ll make it through this bump. She also says I’m not a loser, which is nice to hear but can’t really get past the hard shell of loser that is covering my brain right now. She’s a really good and sweet person.

The toughest part (it always is) is not self-imploding and lose my job or anything else right now because I can’t stop feeling like an idiot.

I have this self-fulfilling prophecy thing where I blast everything apart to help me prove that I am a reject of a human being.

I’m just rambling now.

Did I mention “Permanent Wednesday”? It’s the new catch phrase for me it seems.

When employed, a person usually gets the weekend off. This is something I’m told, I’ve yet to see any proof. So when you start on Monday, it may be crappy because it’s the beginning of the week, but you’ve just had the weekend to relax.

Wednesday, for people keeping track, is in the middle of the week. You’ve worked a couple days; you have a couple more to go. I’m stuck in Wednesday. The weekend happened sometime in the past and will happen some day in the future, I just don’t know when for sure. Hence: Permanent Wednesday.

It’s a catchy little phrase and also plays a little off of Jerry Stahl’s, “Permanent Midnight.” I’m using it as the title for my non-existent autobiography until I can find a new one.

I’m not writing an autobiography. That would seem a little pathetic, self indulgent, ridiculous. I am working on a one-man show though. Just kidding.