So, first issue: What the hell am I doing with my life?
I know what I want to do, make movies. So how do I go about it? First I need to write a script. I have no ideas and haven’t had the energy to just start free writing to see what happens.
I’d like to work more on the Film Geek Primer, but I just don’t seem to have the energy to do much on that either. I think it’s because I’m not sure where it’s going, if anywhere, and I don’t want to waste anymore time on things that aren’t going to move me forward. I know, I know, how do I know what it will get me? Well, we don’t have much of an audience and I don’t think we can get any bigger than where we are right now. It’s all a little frustrating. Not sure what to do about that.
The girl I’m interested in and who seems to be the one person who views the world the same way I do is in a relationship with another guy. It’s not going to last, but that doesn’t mean it won’t drag on forever either. She is interested in me and has said so many times. I should just let things run their course. It’s a pain in the ass because I have no control over it, like I have control over anything, and like that Buddhist thing goes, desire leads to suffering. I’m not, “Oh, woe is me” suffering, just frustrated and can’t let it go.
So I have no direction, I’m getting older by the minute and really don’t know what to do about any of it.
I understand that a large portion of society just exists and finds that one thing to work for, like family or money or fame, I’m just not into that. Maybe I should be. Money is nice because it takes certain stresses off, like being able to pay bills and eat, but with the left over all you can really do is buy things. I don’t want things. It’s a nice idea to want things in fantasy, but it just causes clutter and added responsibility that I don’t really want.
And fame? Seriously? I’m in a job that shows nothing but the downside of media popularity, so pardon me if I don’t go in that direction. Hell, even at work I see nothing but fellow employees jumping at a chance to be seen in the background of shots. Really? Does that qualify your existence in some way, shape, or form?
Finally there is family. I don’t have one, so it’s hard to work to keep that part of my life happy. I’m not saying I don’t want one, it’s just not in my life right now and it still scares me a little. I’ve hurt enough people in this lifetime. Do I really want to set it up so I can just fuck up more individuals? Will I? It’s something to work on in therapy.
I’m guessing (hoping) that my batteries are still charging and someday soon the projects and ideas will start flooding back into my brain. We’ll see.
Right now I’m Gene Hackman at the End of “Night Moves”. Shot in the gut on a boat in the middle of the ocean that is just spinning around in circles. I’m still alive and will survive, just feeling a little seasick.
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