Lost In Translation

So about a month ago I responded to this add on Craig’s List. A woman was looking for someone to run lines with. I responded for the hell of it and got a phone call about an hour later. Her Name is Eriko and we chatted for a bit. She’s from Japan and her English is decent, but she needs time to process what you’re saying so it is best to speak slow…not an easy job for someone with a machine gun mouth. I’m not as bad as a Scorsese or the guy from the Micro Machine adds, but I’m pretty rapid fire.

So we finish our conversation and she asks me to call her back on Sunday, I call back, get nothing but a busy signal for the few times I try and give up. Move on.

This afternoon I get a phone call from her to ask if I could meet for coffee and see if I, "can be of use to her". So I go to Starbucks to meet her and she’s pretty damned stunning. We are talking for a few minutes and I can see that there is a bit of a communications problem. My assignment: Help her work through a couple of questions she has to Ask Halle Berry for some interview an the local Japanese station. She has to get to another meeting, but wants to meet later this evening to go over them.

She callsa little while later to say her meeting is running late and will call me back. I take this as the Japanese polite thing where they can’t tell you “Thanks, but no thanks”. Whatever, I’ve got movies to watch.

Around 9:30 I get a call from her and she asks for some help on a question she needs to ask Ms. Berry. So I am trying to explain to her that the question she is asking does not sound polite and needs some rephrasing, but she keeps telling me that I did not understand what she wanted.

Here’s the question she wrote:

“I read when you moved to Los Angeles you lived in a shelter, what were you thinking?”

Now I understood what she was trying to ask. She wanted to know what was going on in Halle’s head as she was experiencing the situation of living in a shelter. Not, “You idiot, why would you stay in a shelter?” But my attempts to explain this just frustrated her. She kept saying, “I’m from Japan.” Yeah, honey, got it, no road map needed. I worked on talking slow and carefully explained that the way she had phrased it was rude. Rudeness is something the Japanese understand. They cut off fingers and jump off rooftops because of the whole respect thing, so rude should be right up her ally.

So finally she says that she would really like to work with me and when a script comes in, she’ll give me a call so I can help her learn her lines and “explain” what is going on. This situation though needs someone who will simply phrase the question and that’ll be it. No problem. I got a free coffee out of it and hung out with a hot Japanese girl for a bit. I wasn’t doing anything important and there were worse things I could have done with my time.

On a whim I decide to look her up on line and see what results I get. Come to find out this chic was a fucking superstar in Japan who has come to America to make it big. She was the Britney Spears of Japan and was in a ton of television and even had a cartoon about her.

So now three things run through my brain. First, I bet almost every teenage guy in Japan would have castrated himself to sit where I sat today. Second. I’m not sure anymore if her issue was a language barrier or much like Ms. Spears, the poor thing just ain’t that bright. The third and one I find most noggin numbing, maybe she really did want to know what the hell was Halle thinking about staying in a shelter. There are a ton of decent hotels around after all.

The English-speaking world may never know.

Friggin’ Frustratin’

So the new project that is being worked on is a video blog. It’s fun stuff and I think adds something new to the program and not just more redundant info. We have two episodes shot and completed and begin working on the next three today. It’s a lot of fun and very exciting.

Here’s the frustration, the intro. See, I usually put an intro together first just to get my blood pumping and help sell the idea to the people I want involved in it. I usually use a piece of music by a band that fits the atmosphere of what the show is going to be like. So I put it all together and it does it’s job. Everyone gets excited and we start putting the show together.

Now the problem was trying to get permission to use the song. Since we’re going to make money off of this sucker, we need permission to use the song. So I decide to be the pro and start emailing around to find out how we get permission. I know that they are going to want money, but I cross fingers and pray that I can make them understand we are doing this for zero dollars and could we swing some sort of deal.

The answer is a “No” and if we get some money in the future for licensing, give them a buzz. Yeah, sure we will, no problem.

I have spent the past few days hmming and hawing over what to do. I’ve gone to all these sites where you can buy a piece of music for 20 bucks but they are pretty generic and well… pretty much suck. Plus I’m so attached to the original intro that it’s hard for me to think outside of it and look for something new. Our original really pinpointed who was involved with the show and our basic role. So I’m trying to let go and be open to find a piece of music that is usable, but so far no go.

Hence the friggin’ frustration. I want to launch on April 7th in honor of my one-year anniversary of being in Los Angeles. Hopefully an answer will be discovered and we can launch on time.

Grrrrrrr.

Catch Up

It’s been a while and I’ve been just movin’ along. Applying for jobs, working on new projects, just keepin’ on bein’ John. For better or worse, that’s the situation.

Here’s an image from the new project. The pilot should be done soon and we’ll be working on the first couple of episodes this week. I’d like to do two a week, but I’m starting to get the feeling that may prove to be an issue. So I’ll try to make it at last one a week. I want to keep it moving and keep it current. The more you’ve got out there the more interest you can keep. That’s my theory at least.

So here ya go and I’ll be letting you know more soon.

Couch Change

I've started putting up clips on REVVER which is like You Tube, but you can make cash off of it.

I'm testing it out by embedding some of the shorts here. I'll put up new stuff as I finish it up.

So check them out and let's see if I can make a few pennies off of these suckers.

Enjoy.

Huh

I don't know where this came from, who made it, or its purpose, but I'm sold.

This takes viral video to a whole new level.

New Photo's

Some new pics from my journey on the Metro Rail

Just 'Cuz

Here are a few odds and ends.

I went to the marketing machine that is the M&M site. The comercials told me to and you should always do what commercials say.

Here's an interpretation on me as an M&M.



I know what you're thinking, "I've never wanted to fuck an M&M so much before in my life!"

Now a clip from a guy I've known since my public access watching days in Tucson. Ladies and Gentlmen, Mr. Harvey Sid Fisher.


You do nt mess with musical genius like that. I think the dancer was kicked off of the Laker Girls squad for just plain ole' sucking.


Here is a painting by Alex Colville that I discovered and like a lot.



This one is a little rough, but just remember, it's totally natural and a part of him.



And we'll wrap it up with a painting that Nikki did that always gives me a chuckle.



It looks like I've got cock on the brain tonight. Read into that what you will.

The Lives Of Others

I was part of an Oscar pool last night and the goal was to win. So when it came to best foreign film I was forced to choose what I thought would win. So I settled on Pan’s Labyrinth. I felt bad because I wanted The Lives of Others to win. It was the best "getting it wrong" moment I felt all evening. Nikki and I actually cheered when it beat Pan’s; not that Pan’s Labyrinth was bad, I rather liked it. Nikki found I boring, which was a surprise, but it’s filmmaking could not be denied.

Lives writer/director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, a first time filmmaker created a movie so intense, so emotionally engaging and such a timeless piece of cinema that I would claim that it was actually the best picture of 2006. Ye it even beats out Children Of Men in my book. Hell he should win just for his name alone. How much of his life has been taken up just telling people, then teaching them how to pronounce it properly? This is not a good example of German efficiency.


The story revolves around Stasi officer who is in charge of spying on the life of a playwright and his actress girlfriend. It has all sorts of agendas interweaving throughout and it becomes such a stunning movie about transformation that it puts those cars into robots things to shame. (Yes I just compared the best film of 2006 to a Hasbro toy line.)

It also reminds me of a thing Kevin Smith wrote, “More often than not, a hero’s most epic battle is the one you never see; it’s the battle goes on within him or herself.” This is a movie about those changes within people, how they react to it and how a controlling government attempts to crush it. A government can destroy the body, but we decide whether or not we allow them to destroy our soul.

For me the strongest aspect was art versus politics. Something that I have always and will always have strong feelings about. There is no more important a voice than art and to me it is the ultimate form of freedom of speech. When it is good, it transcends its author/s and becomes it’s own entity. That’s kind of crazy. It’s like a big bang on a microcosmic level. People can debate about Citizen Kane and who is responsible for it, but at the end of the day, it’s Citizen Kane, end of story.


Anyway I just want to congratulate Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck on making a really great movie, winning an award that he justly deserves and on having a name that is just fucking nuts.

A Little Catch-Up

Sorry folks, it’s been a while so here’s a quick list of what I’ve been up to.

Applied for several jobs
Saw a couple movies at the DGA
Lost 40 bucks at poker
Ate 12 York peppermint patties
Met with some agents
Played in a Hearts tournament
Got laid several times
Visited the Magritte exhibit
Had dinner with a ton of family members I didn’t know
Wrote a few short scripts for a project
Watched some television I haven’t seen in a while and have come to some very solid conclusions.


TV Conclusions:

24
is just a wonky show. I know I’m seeing episodes that are taking place after the show has apparently jumped the shark, but it’s just a poorly put together show. It looks like ass, it’s acted like ass and it’s written like ass. If I have to see that button nosed pouty girl furrow her brow in concern one more time, I’m going punch my roommate in the junk.

Lost
is exactly that. I have no faith in the writers to have any excuse for what is going on. It’s boring and takes itself way too seriously now. Remember when there used to be some chuckles? Not any more. There also used to be a cast. I’m hoping they are getting paid for all of the work they’ aren’t doing.

Heroes:
is fine, but I don’t see what the big deal is. Too many characters and not a lot happens from episode to episode. Whatever the big information is, usually pops up in the last five minutes of the show and most of the time you just get run of the mill sideline adventures.

I’d rather be working, playing cards, getting laid, watching movies or writing than spending the amount of time I have watching this stuff. Worst part, I’ll watch them all next week so I have more to complain about. It’s like crack this tv stuff is.

By Request: Alan J. Pakula

Pakula was one of those filmmakers who had an incredible run in the 70’s. He basically was the guy who cornered the paranoia market with three key films.

The first was Klute, a mystery about a missing business man and a prostitute being stalked by a psychotic client. Could they be the same person? Hmmm, no actually.

This movie is one of those masterpieces that very few people take the time to appreciate. Its pacing, lighting, music and cutting are really impressive and display levels of information that you need to pay attention to.

More important are the character arcs. Jane Fonda received and academy award as Brie Daniels the prostitute/actress who is trying to find herself. Her scenes with a therapist (pre cliché) are really impressive and watching her struggle with who she wants to be and who she really is, is just a knock out. Think of the flip side to Naomi Watts character in Mullholland Drive.


Donald Sutherland never gets any praise for this movie and deserves tons. He is subtle at portraying the investigator who just gets it. His slow turn as he falls for Fonda’s character is just magnificent and it’s the small things that add up to something very big. It’s like watching Robert Forrester in Jackie Brown.

Pakula handles the plot and the characters with a deft hand keeping the tension mounting and the people growing with out a hiccup.


The next film in this trilogy was The Parallax View. This was almost a science fiction film in a weird way. Warren Beatty is a small time reporter who investigates a Kennedy-esque assassination and discovers a corporation that trains killers. Is it a little over the top? Yes. Is it probable? Doubtful, but a great ride made spooky with the help of keeping it rooted in the reality of the time. With Warren Commission style bookends, it reminds us that there may be something bigger and badder out there pulling the strings.


The third film would be the one that sealed the deal. This time based on fact. All The President’s Men would bring home a Best picture Oscar and prove that Pakula could direct the hell out of a picture. He made a movie tense when everyone already knew the outcome. Plus the shot of Redford and Hoffman in the library looking for a checked out book just sums up the entire experience Woodward and Bernstein must have felt they were going through.

Pakula would go on to direct some real pieces of crap like Rollover in 1981. Or his last film The Devil’s Own in 1997 with Harrison Ford and Brad Pitt. Even with that kind of talent involved it was utterly forgettable.

He did have a few other successes, like Sophie’s Choice and the decent little B thriller Consenting Adults. He did have one large success in his later years with The Pelican Brief, dipping his toe back into conspiracies and thrills. Pelican never did reach the heights of his original trilogy, but it did have a few good moments including a parking garage sequence that he somehow made original after the device had been used to death over the years.

Oh, yeah. He also Produced To Kill A Mockingbird. That’s an important fact to remember.

Pakula died in an auto accident on the L.I.E. in 1988. This is one of those fact that I always remember because Paul Dano mentions it in the movie L.I.E.

He contributed to that great era of filmmaking in the 70’s and stands among other underrated filmmaker’s like Sidney Lumet and John Schlesinger. Guys that were never as hip as the Scorsese’s or Spielberg's, but just as influential.

Nomenclature

I'm looking for a new word and you , yes you, can help.

A new name for a friendship where carnal knowledge is involved, but not construed as dating.

This has been known as "fuck buddies" or "friends with privlidges", but I'm looking for something new. It can be funny, but I'm on the search for a word that has a certain level of mutual respect involved.

Suggestions so far include: Fuddys, sexxers and ASSociates (for the gay set).

Roll Over

Not the shitty Allan J. Pakula movie, but that action we take for granted.

There was a time when we couldn’t roll over. This time was called infancy. Then one day, “Plunk” we rolled over. This event has just happened for my non-nephew Izzy.

“Non-nephew” sounds a little weird, but he’s not my nephew by blood and “jewphew” makes me sound more anti-Semitic than I already am. So please send any ideas on how I can define this little guy in two words or less.

To him I’m the loud chap who is always drinking stuff out of a green bottle. I’ll end up being labeled “Uncle Dew” when he starts naming people in the speaking stage.

Stay on Target, John.

So Izzy learns to roll over and AG catches it on video. He then uploads it to YouTube so family members can see it. Here it is.



It’s not a Kurosawa film, but you can see the interest to family members. Plus it’s just an odd moment in life. At some point in time, every single one of us rolled over for the first time.

So this clip is posted and what do we find? A fuckin' flurry of these things, check it out!





They’re everywhere. It’s porn for the new parent set. You can just keep getting off on watching babies roll over.

I want a site where top-heavy women struggle to flip onto their stomachs, but their ginormous breasts keep them from doing it. You can hear old people cheering and applauding off camera, “Come on honey, just a little push. You can do it. Do it for Gram Gram.”

Yeah, yeah, John is disgusting. He’s equating innocent babies rolling over with porn. But think of it this way my oh-so naive friends it’s the first step.

1. Roll over
2. Crawl
3. Walk
4. Turn on TV
5. Watch giant breasted women turn over.

It’s you’re glee at this first step in the child’s evolution that gets them where I’m already at.

So Izzy my boy, as soon as you’re ready, Uncle Dew is going to have www.rollovertitties.com ready for ya!

Keep livin’ the dream kid, keep livin’ the dream.

In Space No One Can Hear You F*@k

The first space soap opera.

Space Drama

It's got everything: Jealousy, international space stations, diapers!

Plus I like how they chose a photo so the lady looks like she's been partying with Nick Nolte and Rip Torn.

While I Was Gone

Friday 1/26/07
10:30 AM
I have been sorting through boxes of stuff to figure out what to keep and what to toss. I came across a box full of old journals, notebooks, scripts, etc.
I kept most of the scripts and looked through the journals. It was a fascinating discovery. To read all of this stuff by a person I could identify with, but no longer knew. The amount of change and growth that has taken place for me over the past several years is actually impressive. Not that there aren’t moments when I can feel the want to revert, but my mind is in a very different space then where it was even two years ago.

I’d like to say that the most change happened when I cleaned up, but that’s not the case. A lot of learning had taken place while I was drinking and using, but it all seemed to snap into place when I finally did get my shit together. So, not too shabby.

If I can keep up this growth ratio, I’ll be one hell of a guy when I reach my 60’s.

8:46 PM

Took care of a bunch of business today and I’ve been eating like shit. Actually I’ve been eating like shit for a few weeks now. That’s all ending soon. Time to reach a few physical goals since I’m unemployed and can focus on that, plus it helps keep the budget down.

So I’m going through a box full of pictures and I realize something…how many of my girlfriends have I taken boudoir photos of? Most of them, apparently. Is this common? Is it my photo fetish that allows me to convince them to do this? All I know is I’ve got a lot of them and I have to say, I haven’t done that bad in the girlfriend department. They have been an attractive bunch all around. I can guarantee you I never photographed the trolls.

That’s just mean. Unfortunately it is also true. I’m a real shit.


Saturday 1/27/07
8:40 AM

A banging at the front door at 8:15, it was the gas man. That’s impressive. The gas company told me he’d be here between 8 am and 7 pm. Pretty nuts, right? So I’d written off the day, but guess again.

I answer the door and the guy says, “Gas Man.” Best part, he’s got one of those mustaches that has the waxed tips, like a bad guy from a silent movie. I had to work not to try and poke at it.

What makes a guy decide that is going to be his statement? I’m not going to get my ear pierced, or a tattoo of a propane tank across my chest, I’m gonna wax my mustache. That says, “I’m me. Look out world, I’m fucking here!”

Although it could just be so he doesn’t burn his mustache off sticking his head inside ovens and heaters all day.

Sunday 1/28/07

10:22 AM

Spent the rest of yesterday getting Gabe moved in and stuff arranged. It rained on and off all day, so that was fun.

We’re off to his place in a few minutes to pick up his remaining items and say adios to Arcadia.

It’s odd I feel like I live in LA more now than I have in the past several months.

So it goes.

Wednesday 1/31/07

Played poker again last night, lost but came in fourth out of ten, so not too bad. The issue being I need to place at least third to get any money.

Everything else has slowed down and the apartment is in order. All the lights have been fixed so we can actually see what we’re doing. I’m still waiting for a mail key, a pain in the ass. I’m dropping off rent tomorrow, so I can complain in person and see if it makes a difference.

Nothing new on the job front, but I’m waiting for internet on Friday so I can really get into it. I’ll need to find something relatively soon. Due to my lack of work over the past year, my unemployment check would only be worth about 97 bucks a week. Whoops.

Thursday 2/1/07

Nuthin’ happened.

Friday 2/2/07

4:03 PM

Hey, I’ve now got internet and cable and Tivo and all that crap. I haven’t had cable for about nine months and haven’t missed it that much. Then after flipping channels for about a half-hour, I realized I still wouldn’t miss it I didn’t have it. There isn’t a lot out there.

Jack is in town, so I’m getting together with him and his girl. I think her name is Rebecca. I’m bad with names.

Tranny Spam And Other Notes

I have officially received my favorite piece of porn spam ever. Instead of telling me about hot wet pussy or giant tits or sluts who go all the way, this one decided to appeal to the educated side of perverts.

Subject Line: tranny movies shakespearian

Really? That’s really how you’re going to sell me? Hold on, let me put on my tweed coat with patches on the elbows and light my pipe.

So what’s the pitch? I know that men played female characters back in Shakespeare’s time, but this is a whole new ballgame (pun intended). Hell if I saw tickets on sale for a group of tranny’s performing Othello, I’d camp out to be first in line. That’s breakthrough fucking theater right there.

Now there was a moment where I knew this could be crap. Click to read and I’m suddenly offered cheap Viagra or how a sheik needs my money and I’ll be rewarded with riches beyond my wildest dreams, but I’ll risk it in hopes of discovering the next level of the Bard’s work.

As I’m sure we both could guess, this was just a link for a trannys fuck all holes site. There was a flourish that got a chuckle from my inner twelve year old.

Actual quote:

They both poured themselves another drink and sat down on the couch. Vanity said, "I have a secret I want to show you.", and she stood up and took off her skirt. Roxy didn’t seem surprised at all. She said, “Good, I need to get fuckedö.”

Fuckedo? With an umlaut? That was first used in Twelfth Night, right?

Is it pronounced ‘fucked-o’, 'fuc-kedo', or ‘fuck-edo’? I like the last one. I just like saying edo, my favorite period in Japanese history. That's not true, the tokogawa period ruled. Now I'm just talking out of my ass.

Back on topic; I know it’s just some spelling error, but man I love that word, especially when I think of it as some tranny jargon.

Tranny 1: Hey Marge, have you seen Cindy?

Tranny 2: Yeah, I’d like to get some fuckedo from that!

Nasty! Unless you’re into that…then good for you.

I think Shakespeare would be proud of this new word being attributed to him, except for the people who believe Marlowe really wrote it. Oh, snap! (Yeah, I just used 'oh, snap'.)

In other news, it looks like I’ll be going off line for a while. The big push on moving takes place on Thursday and I wont have internet access until February 2nd. So I’m not forgetting about you, I mean that from the heart. I’ll be using the internet café down the street to check my emails, but since unemployment keeps me budgeting, I wont be posting. I know you’re depressed, but I’ll be back with all sorts of new adventures of me with my Mexican sidekick. Or being the sidekick to a Mexican, again I’m not sure.

Also, dream job work stuff is in the early cooking stages so hopefully I'll have exciting news on that when I return. Keep your fingers crossed and continue praying to your heathen gods for me.

Herr Hoff

You can tell I'm unemployed when I'm posting this shit all the time.

As we all know, David Hasslehoff is a musical genius. So here he is shooting another load into our eyes.



I do not consider myself a judgemental person, even though I have my moments, so why should I find him repulsive here?

(I can pretty much guarantee that I'm going to be one of those old guys that sits on a bench trying to look up skirts of twenty year olds. I pretty much do that now, so no point in saying that'll change with age.)

Yet I find something creepy as Hof slides up to the girl and "seduces" her into Kitt. I don't know if it's because he's got those squnity eyes, or maybe I'm unsure if he takes himself seriously or not. Plus those hip thrusting/white mans overbite moves just make me feel, well repulsed. I honestly don't have a solid explanation nor will I take the time to analyse further.

I have no problem with the idea of Woody Allen face fucking his adopted daughter, but The Hof is a different reaction.

Maybe I should examine this further.

Re-Animator

Thank you technology. Now that you are getting to the point where you can re-animate the dead you give us one of our greatest icons.

Orville Redenbacher!



What's with that wierd bobbing up and down that he is doing at the end. I know he's supposed to be rocking out, but it looks like he has to pee real bad.


Now if someone would just get on re-animating the "Dunkin' Donuts" guy having sex with the "Where's The Beef" lady we will have reached CGI nirvana.

Pain In My Buttocks

I decided that I was going to put a picture of myself back up in my profile and this stupid Blogger system wont let me do it. I’ve uploaded it to my blog first, no go. Flickr, My Space, and some tool that Blogger recommends, but no go. Actually the Blogger tool would probably work if it weren’t for Windows only. Fucking Apple haters.

So I need to figure that out, but for now it’s more of the man known as Mifune.

So John, what’s been going on?

Moving. A lot of packing boxes and dealing with the whole setting up electric/gas/mail thing that is, as always, an arduous process to go through. If there is one thing that everyone hates, it’s moving; the big furniture especially.

Something you will always hear when moving: Try turning it sideways.

On Work: I really haven’t done much looking. I sent out a few half assed resumes just to say I’ve done something about it, but I’m pretty much resigned to getting moved in before looking for work.

I’ve got irons in the fire as far as the future career goes, but it is way to early to discuss any of that.

It’s funny that I’m not very stressed about it yet. Losing a job as a group of people versus as an individual is a lot more calming. I feel no guilt over losing the job since I did my job and a lot of people thought I did good work. I’m sure I’ll run across some of them in the future. It happens in this business.

So it’s back to packing and enjoying the fact that I don’t have to spend 14 hours a day at a job for a while.

Why Are People So F@*ked Up

So this lady with the ironic last name of Foxton...



Has rasied a squirrel, domesticated it and now dresses it up to takes pictures.

Not only does she take pictures of this critter, but gets all up in your face politically about it.

Here is her statement about the Sadam execution.



See more at: http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/

I'm not making a direct link because I feel you should do the work.

Faith In Film

There are times when that thing you feel is starting to slip is renewed, not just renewed, but a miracle is witnessed and you see the beauty that made you fall in love with something in the first place.

Children Of Men is one of those movies. It is so well made that you can’t help but be swept up in the story, the characters and just the flat out incredible imagery that keeps being thrown at you.

It’s more that just the incredible single takes; it’s how the entire thing is composed. There are shots in a barn that remind you of the best of Tarkovsky. There is a moment in the woods that top Polanski and Kubrick is applauding movie heaven at the shot of Clive Owen running to rescue our pregnant girl.

This is the best thing I’ve seen in a couple of years. I’d say the best piece of cinema since City Of God.



Keep your eyes open, like you could miss it, for the cover art of Pink Floyd's "Animals". It’s a real “Holy shit!” moment.

I’ll see it at least two more times in the theater. This is a real achievement and Alfonso Cuaron is officially a modern master.

The Latest Greatest

1. Happy New Year
2. I’m Unemployed (Show was Cancelled)
3. Moving To New Apartment (Signed lease before unemployed)
4. Feelin’ Fine

So for those of you who were getting bored because I seemed emotionally complacent, good news! I’m sure the emotional rollercoaster will be starting up again soon.

Happy B-Day Movies

Today is December 28th the official Birthday of movies.

On this day in 1895 Auguste and Louis Lumiere sold tickets to a bunch of French folk and used a magic box to project an image on a screen.

Some of the riveting films displayed held such titles as “Train leaving the Station” and “Workers leaving the Factory”. They pretty much write themselves.

These were single take shorts that lasted no more than a minute each. Rumor has it that several people ran out when the train was pulling out of the station because they thought a train was coming straight at them. This does not dissuade the theory that the French are cowards.

This night was declared the birth of movies because it was the first time that tickets were sold and money was made. The actual birth of the moving image is fuzzy to say the least. Did it start with Muybridge? The zoetrope? Maybe Plato’s philosophy about life being a shadow play was the fist reference to a moving image. Even old cave paintings made illusions of the images moving, so we could date it back as far as our troglodyte ancestors.

My favorite story is about Louis Le Prince who had invented a magic box that recorded moving images in 1890. He got on a train to go show off his device in Paris and disappeared on the way there. He was never heard from again. At the next years World Fair, Thomas Edison had shown up with a device very similar to Le Prince’s. A cinematic conspiracy is born.

The progress of movies, to me, seems to be pushed further and further on a yearly basis. Editing, color, sound, smaller cameras, video, CGI, it just keeps building and growing. The tools that are available today all started with those little wooden boxes with hand cranks and a brass lens case.

Just remember folks, don’t let the technology get in the way of trying to tell good stories. That seems to be the biggest drawback of all of the nifty toys that exist today.

I’ll end with a quote form Louis Lumiere who said, “The Cinema is an invention without a future.”

Whoops.
















Louis Le Prince (Image from 1890 milk carton)

Holiday Hoopla

Just dropping in a little note to wish all readers a happy holiday.

I guess I celebrate Christmas since that’s how I was raised.

I met up with a couple of friends from college and had dinner at one of their parents. A fun time was had by all. Actually I had a really good time and seem to feel that there is some sort of turning point taking place for me.

That tight clinched up feeling I used to have around social events seems to have dissipated. From the company party to last night, I seem to be very comfortable in my own skin.

It seems to be a pretty good note to end the year with. Given all that has taken place this year, I’d have to say it has been 75-80% positive and only 10% negative. That’s pretty damned good.

Next year may turn out to be worth while. Stuff is brewing and it’ll be time to step up and see about dusting off the A game. I may not be as much of a burn out as I anticipated. My apologies to those I am disappointing by not going down in flames by the end of this year. Time to start the betting pool for next year. I’ve got ten bucks says I make it through.

Ashton

I haven’t seen Ash in about 7 years.

For those playing catch up, Ashton is my son from a relationship that took place a long time ago.

I’m really only the biological father since the man who raised him would be classified as his father both in spirit and on paper. I was asked to allow him to adopt Ash several years ago. I was so deep into my own shit I agreed. It was probably for the best. He needs a real family and Drunk/Junkie dad doesn’t really look good on life’s resume.

Anyway, I decided to Google his name tonight for the hell of it and this picture came up. It was in an Arizona paper and it may not be him, but the odds of there being two Ashton Quintero’s in Arizona seems slim to none.



Plus he’s got my stick legs. So that must be him. He’s ten years old in this picture; he turned 11 back in October.

Anyway, there we have it.

Together by The Raconteurs

Sometimes a song just sticks in your craw.

For the cutie who doesn't know I'm crushing on her. I'm a sap.

Here are the lyrics:

You and me forever
We belong together
And we'll always endeavor
Throughout any type of weather

You want everything to be just like
The stories that you read but never write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
Or you'll get burned

You wrote our names down on the sidewalk
The rain came and washed 'em off
So we should write 'em again on wet cement
So maybe people a long time from now will know what we meant

You want every morning to be just like
The stories that you read but never write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
I'm only concerned

I'm adding something new to the mixture
So there's a different hue to your picture
A different ending to this fairytale
When the sunsets into which we sail

You want everything to be just like
The stories that you read but you can't write
You gotta learn to live and live and learn
You gotta learn to give and wait your turn
Or you'll get burned

Christmas Party Story

I’d forgotten about this one since it happened as I was leaving and thinking more about getting somewhere quiet with friends than the chaos around me.

Let me start off by bragging a little bit. I’m a big fucking star. Fine, I’m not a star, but everyone on the show knows me. I’ve done that Buster Keaton thing so many times that everyone knows who I am and always say, “Hey, John. Great job the other day” even though we’ve never met. I say, ”Thanks…uh, yeah thanks.” And keep walking.

So, Friday night, Christmas party, packed club, sweating dancing sardines. I’m squeezing sideways between a very large female ass and a thick-shouldered guy with a flailing cigarette. (I decided crotch towards the ass, for anyone wondering.) Then out comes the cry of the banshee…

“There he is. There’s my guy!” A fist comes into my peripheral and there is that quick flash that I should duck to avoid it. But it’s one of those bonding, let’s touch knuckles, type of handshakes. The fist belongs to this incredibly tall skinny guy in a cowboy hat. I think he works in the art department. I saw him earlier and I swear he changed hats sometime during the party. This was not the same one he had coming in. I made a fist and knuckled back to show I’m a, “with it” kind of guy. (Anyone who uses the phrase, “with it” is not with it.)

He howls: “What’s going on with my identical twin?”

I am very confused. This guy is skinny as a rail and has a good six to eight inches on me. His features have some Slavic influence to them. Sharp skinny nose, eyes close together, hallow cheeks and again this fuckin’ guy is tall. I’m the Herve Villechaize to this guys Ricardo Montalban.


I have to find out what this guy is talking about. “Twins? I don’t get it?”

He pulls off his cowboy hat, “Check it!” The guy has a shaved head like me. He points between our two craniums a couple of times, “We’re both losin’ our hair man! Let's get a drink.”

Now evidently this guy has issues with his thinning pate. I understand, I wish I had more hair than I do. But it’s the twin thing that is really getting to me. Even if I were shit-faced, high and squinting into a funhouse mirror, I couldn’t see how the phrase twins would come into play.

I get it though, he’s drunk, having a good time and everyone is his friend. I’ve been there, now I’m on the other side and wonder about all of the tremendously stupid shit I’ve said when under the influence. Then again there is a ton of stupid shit I say sober.

I tell him thanks, but I’m on my way out. “No problem, Happy holidays, man. See you in two weeks. Oh and great job today, it was hysterical!”

“Thanks…uh, yeah thanks.” And I’m out of there.

p.s. being short does have an upside. don't think I'm bagging on it.

Hangover By Proxy

It’s Saturday morning and the shows Christmas party was last night. It took place at one of those clubs that you always see huge lines outside of and you wonder what kind of hip cool people are hanging inside with there twenty dollar drinks and designer clothes. I can now stop wondering.

It was fun for a while because it was a private party and the show staff was busty getting lit and dancing up a storm. I got to watch people make fools of themselves and hit on anything that roved into view. I myself wandered around from group to group engaging in conversation and idle chitchat. I ended up being invited to join the writers and our shows host at a table back in the corner. There were some good laughs and it was a really good time…until the club opened up to the public.

The paying crowd in one of these places seems like all of the depressed drunks I used to see in the bars I hung out at. A lot of them looked miserable in their expensive clothes as they drank and screamed to be heard over the music. Maybe I’m getting old (which I am), but it all seemed silly.

The place made awful drinks. They watered down everything. I’d order a cranberry juice and soda water; I’d get a glass of soda water with a splash of cranberry juice. Cheap fucks.

Yesterday was also the Secret Santa shtick. I didn’t really know what to do for my guy, so I got him a gift certificate to Amoeba (awesome in it’s own right) and I wrapped his desk. I figured I’m around late waiting on stuff anyway, so I might as well have some fun.


It went over quite well. I received a lot of high fives and backslapping. You’ll notice I ran out of paper and couldn’t do the inside. A true bummer, but no one seemed to mind. The one comment I kept getting was how hysterical it was that I even wrapped his stapler. I thought wrapping the staple remover was the funniest part, but apparently I misjudged my audience.

We’re now on hiatus, which means I get to twiddle my thumbs and play catch up on movies. Yea for movies!

Hack, Sniff And Relationship Musing

So I’ve got a cold. Damnit!

It started off as one of those sore throats that I had been feeling for a good week and a half. I originally thought it was because I’d fallen off the smoker’s wagon for about a week and was paying the price. Nope, it’s a cold. The head stuff broke out last night and I’ve been controlling it with Dayquil and Airborne. Basically big fat placebos!

I remember a time when Dayquil actually had an effect on me. My history of drug abuse has made any side effects of that stuff null and void. I can feel it it dry up my sinuses for a while, but that unbalanced-slightly spinning-fishbowl feeling that was such a fun part of that stuff is no where to be found. Oh well, it looks like I’ll have to stick with life being clear headed and realistic.

I was talking to a group of folks at work the other day about how good looking our staff is. I’m not saying that as some kind of bullshit L.A. ego thing, our staff is actually kind of hot. There are a variety of women, but if you look at them for the type they are, they’re really good looking. That is comparing them to the staff of “Hannah Montana” located in the office next door. Ugly, I mean beaten with a stick ugly. Not even a looker in the bunch. There are probably some really nice, intelligent and thoughtful people there, but damn it ain’t fun to look at. This is me being clear headed and realistic. I’m such a prick.

The whole good-looking staff thing brings me around to one of the nice things about being single. I can have crushes that change on a minute-by-minute basis and I can feel no guilt. I can flirt endlessly and I am free to do so. It almost makes me not want to have a girlfriend. Which brings up my next point.

What do I want? Would I like to get laid? Of course, let’s not be silly. A decent wind blows and I’m chubbing. Some sex would be good, but I’m curious about the price tag. Could I do the friendly fuck thing? I have no idea. Also, I have that weird fear thing of getting laid. It may sound odd, but it would be the first woman I’d be having sex with since I sobered up. There was Shea, but you can see how that doesn’t count. We were in a relationship and had already been intimate for quite a while before I cleaned up. So in some ways, this will be the first time I’ve had sex with someone since cleaning up. An odd thought and it’s a little scary. I’m over thinking it. I should simply look forward to another potentially emotionally crippling misadventure and enjoy the ride.


I would like to have a girlfriend to take to India with me next summer. (Yes AG, I am goin’ to goa) Adventures are always more fun when there is someone to share it with. But I’m not going to force the issue. I’m not going to get into something because I want a relationship and become cloudy of mind for the person I’m going after. I want to get a real feeling about who they are and not who they say they are. I’ve fallen for that one quite a bit too. Silly rabbit.

Someone I can relate too and enjoy the adventure of life with would be nice. I don’t think I’m asking for a lot. I’m not going to push it or force it. I’m just along for the ride. A wild night of crazy monkey sex would be good though. I’m just saying.

Jus’ Chattin’

On the weather:

It’s a sunny day here in the city of angels. That’s because it is almost always sunny. The bullshit thing about it never raining is so far proving true. Actually, it has rained, but it only seems to happen when people aren’t looking. You go to the gym in the morning and as you walk back outside, everything is wet. You ask a couple of people if it rained and they look around just as perplexed. Then, as a group, you make a decision. Yes, it rained.

I woke up a couple of mornings ago to clouds and wind and rain. I jumped in the shower excited because I could finally pull out a coat to wear to work. Put on the coat, step outside, sunny. Fuck!


Smitten:

There is this really cute woman who works at the comic book store I shop at. She became even cuter when she started flirting with me as I was buying some books. I thought that was nice. That was about two weeks ago.

So I was back there yesterday and she’s there. She sees me, smiles and goes back to work. I start my geek quest for Conan, Ghost in the Shell, Ex Machina, and other assorted items that have come out this week. I catch her looking in my direction once. I couldn’t tell if it was at me, or just seeing if something in that general direction.

I go to the main counter to buy my books. She’s located at a side counter where they deal with gift-wrapping and overflow. She calls out from the side counter, “If they’re busy over there I can help you over here.” The mouth breather at my counter already has my books in his hand. “I’ve got it.” He calls back. The next few moments played out like this:

Him: Was there anything else I could help you find?

Me: I’m not sure if there is anything else I’m looking for, so I think I’m set.

(Female giggle behind me)

Him: You just have that determined look on your face.

Me: Ah, my father looks temperamental and my mom looks perplexed. Mix it up and I’m born with determined features.

(A giant chuckle from behind me. It’s her straightening books on a table about three feet away.)

Me: You like that one?

Her: That was really good.

Me: When I’m on, I’m on.

Her: I don’t doubt it.

Him: Credit or debit.

That’s pretty much word for word. I was thrown by her response and my payment option, so it went back to business a usual for the next bit. I get my bag of stuff and start leaving as I’m walking by where she’s straightening books, I get a lovely look at her left hand and the damned band on the finger. My fucking luck. She’s married, or going to be married or whatever. Either way, ego is shot and my tail is tucked.

Her: See you soon?

Me: I’ll be around.

At this moment I know a couple of friends of mine who would say, “Fucking go for it! Are you stupid? Fuck her and move on. She wants to too.”

My latest rule in life is no more married women. There is a reason they are going after you/me. It’s too much trouble and depending on how things go there is too much pain. Plus I keep chipping my tooth on the ring.


Ink update:

I’m in the middle of my second peel and if it doesn’t itch like crazy. I’ve been told to slap the itchy area. See, scratching will pull the flesh and extra ink off, so the work looks patchy and ugly. You’ve got to let it flake off naturally. So I’m slapping my shoulder and back like mad. I’m starting to see some of the benefits of having a dominatrix as a friend.

Also my left nipple below the tat has been going bat shit crazy. It’s super sensitive and has decided to stay erect for the past day and a half. A crazy nerve must have been hit.

TMI, right? Let’s move on.


Place your bets:

The sushi place around the corner from me serves monkey brains and monkey balls. I’m not sure if balls means testicles, or monkey meat rolled into balls. Either way, we have some wagering to do.

Anyone up for meeting and having a prearranged bet as to how much brains or balls an individual can eat, let’s talk about setting up a date. Be forewarned that the place is not that good to begin with, so it may not be the best example of how tasty a decent primate sack can be.

Inked and Armored

Well, it’s done; my left side has been completed. Here’s a quick breakdown.

I spent a total of seventeen hours in the chair. I thought the area by the front of my neck was going to be the most painful, but it wasn’t. It happened to be the area of my chest near the armpit. The reason I am told was the ink lines followed the line of the muscle. It actually felt like my flesh was being pulled and lifted off of my chest. It was the one time during the entire process where I actually had to make some bizarre noise just to physically signify that it hurt. The rest of it hurt, but I found it bearable.


It took three sittings to complete the project, one last Friday, then last Sunday and the final one yesterday.

I bled about a quarter pint by the time it was all over, maybe a little less, maybe a little more.

Was it worth it? Hell yes. I have an original piece and it has texture and detailing that it pretty damn nice.

On Tuesday, my back and arm decided to shed the first layer of skin and the entire base of the shower was filled with dead black skin. I thought of a penguin molting as I cleaned out the drain. Tasty image, isn’t it.

But now it’s all done and I get to move onto the next project, whatever that may be. Any ideas?


Here’s Daniel’s web site so you can check out some of the work he’s done. He’s a great guy and very with it. We got to talk a lot about art, music, movies and comics. I’d recommend him if you’re looking to have some work done. Just don’t go in wanting Mickey Mouse on you ass. Let him help you design something that’s personal and a part of you. After all, you’ll be living with it for quite a while.

Crap Television

I’ve been assigned to help on a segment for the show. Pretty exciting, right?

Well as the title of this entry hints at, it’s not. I have to pour though tons of photos and find people who look like their pets. This is a tried and true segment that always gets a chuckle form the troglodytes.

I’ve seen this bit done on every show and I never even though about the poor schmuck who had to find ones that worked. So take a moment to think about this schmuck.

Done? Let’s move on.

As I’m sure you can well imagine, a criteria needs to be established in selecting these photos. Her is the criterion that I created in case you feel like sending in a photo of your pet that bares a striking resemblance to you.

1. You can’t make a face so you look more like your pet.
2. If you look like your cat, we’ll take it. It’s very hard for a person to look like a cat.
3. If you look like your lizard, it’s time to consider moisturizing.
4. We will not put up a picture of a guy with his rat if the guy looks Jewish. It’s a political decision.
5. Just because you put glasses on your pet (and you wear glasses) does not guarantee a spot.
6. Putting glasses, pasting sideburns and putting a bow tie on your pet will guarantee a spot. (It’s a tricky rule that falls to a vote by committee as far as props are concerned.)
7. If you dress up like Luke Skywalker and you dress your dog up like Yoda, odds are you just need to get laid. Plus you and your pet do not look alike. You look like a morbidly obese Luke Skywalker and your bulldog looks like he’s wearing your mom’s bathrobe.
8. I can’t stress this enough: We need more cats people!
9. Nobody looks like his or her horse from head on. Maybe in profile, but never head on.
10. Children are not pets…and if they don’t look like you start taking a closer look at whom your wife has been hanging out with. (I learned that last part from watching too much Maury Povitch.)

That’s about it. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to see if James L. from Wisconsin looks like his Golden Retriever named Butterlump…nope, next.

R.I.P.’s

These are a little late, but I figured I should comment on them since both of these gentlemen have had an impact on my life.

Robert Altman passed away. There was and is no one else that can make a movie like Robert Altman. He was hit or miss as far as his success rate, but you can’t deny that every film he made held his stamp. From the long lens to the overlapping dialog, he could make something special out of just being a witness to life.


When I was around fifteen, I rented M.A.S.H and watched it at least seven times that weekend. I’d finish it, rewind the tape and start right over again. I was rewinding scenes to pay attention to what each character was saying as dialog overlapped and the jokes were several layers deep. It is an incredible experience and still one of the best anti-war movies that exist today. It ranks up there with Duck Soup, it’s that good.

He has plenty of other classics: The Long Goodbye, McCabe & Mrs. Miller, California Split, Streamers, The Player, Short Cuts, Nashville. Hell even Popeye is one of those movies I saw repeatedly as a kid.

Even if you don’t like Robert Altman movies, he has a couple that anyone could enjoy like Cookies Fortune or Prairie Home Companion. If you don’t like those flicks, you have no heart.

He enjoyed a good drink, a good joint and was always able to make films he wanted to make. He directed theater, opera and I believe painted as well. I could be wrong on that last one; it’s been a while since I read his bio. He did love him the good weed though, that’s a fact.

I am glad that he was here to give use/me so many great films and I will honestly miss the fact that there will be no more…Except fro Dr. T and the Women, that could be buried with him.

The second great loss this week is Philippe Noiret. You will remember him as the projectionist from Cinema Paradiso. He also played Pablo Neruda in The Postman.


He was an excellent actor that always seemed to bring a certain sense of life to any character he portrayed. I can’t really say more about him, because I don’t know that much about him or his life.

A couple of movies you could check out are Coup De Torchon, Life and Nothing But and La Grande Bouffe. I probably spelled all of those wrong.

Anyway. Two men who really added something to that thing we call cinema.

I will miss you both. Thank you for all you’ve given me

Hollywood Moment

I keep forgetting to write about this, but remembered yesterday when I was asked about some of the things that have happened at work.

I was at the studio about a week ago taking a break and catching some fresh air outside. A truck was unloading some set pieces and a couple of guys were hauling set pieces into a stage. Two stagehands were hauling a backdrop across my point of view and from the left hand side comes a PA, clipboard held close to the chest and a headset planted firmly on her head. Walking a step behind her was a midget, dwarf, little person, (wait for it)…in a leprechaun costume.

I did a true double take. I glanced around quickly to see if a couple of showgirls or Superman would be walking about. Maybe Pee Wee Herman trucking by on his bicycle being chased by security guards, but no go.

I did notice that the stagehands had stopped to watch the leprechaun walk through the studio and disappear into a stage where the red light of cameras rolling quietly blinked. One of the stagehands looked over at me and we shared a quick moment of, “Hey, we’re in showbiz!”

A classic clichéd moment that we never really expected to ever see, but did.

Only in Hollywood.

100th Post

Yesterday's post was my 100th.

In celebration of ths monumental event I'd like to recap for the new readers (of which there are 0) so they don't need to go back and mull through all my ramblings.

In order of time.

1. Moved to L.A. and feelin' freaked out.

2. Unemployed and feelin' freaked out.

3. Single and feelin' freaked out.

4. Employed and feelin' freaked out.

5. 2 years clean and sober, not freaked out that day.

6. On television and stone faced.

7. Inked and feelin' fine

8. Not getting laid and frustrated.



Welcome to the next 100 posts. 99 to go.

Shoot Me…Please

I have not been social with the folks at work much. I’ve never been asked to go out and I’ve never asked anyone if I could join in. This is mostly due to the fact that I feel shy and awkward in social situations and second because of the clicks at work.

Clicks you ask. Didn’t those things end after high school? Yeah, I though so too, but they form mostly due to the different departments having their own in jokes and basically their own language.

So here’s the rundown using the Krasmokinov high school comparison chart created in 1862 by Ivanovitch Krasmokinov who was the first to study the formation of clicks.

Production = Cool Kids (Jocks, Cheerleaders, etc.)

Post = Nerds & Geeks

Script = Punks & Freaks

Marketing/P.R. = The Smart kids who everyone talked to.

Execs = Principal, Vice Principal and other staff members.

So where does that put the web department? Well according to the people I asked, they said we were the kids who were always in detention. That made a lot of sense to me, that's what it feels like. The executives always are checking in to see if we’re behaving properly, but leave us alone as long as we are quiet. People from every other department end up stopping in for a few minutes like they were sent to detention for an afternoon, but knew they were leaving. And finally, I’m stuck at work until all hours while everyone else has headed down to the corner store for a phosphate. So that’s where I fit in, permanent detention. I’ve gotten off point.

So yesterday I’m hearing all of the Friday night plans being made. All of the different clicks deciding which bar they are going to hit that night and as usual I’ll be at work until midnight, quietly serving out my detention and cleaning erasers.

Then the unthinkable happens. One of the Cool kids asks if I want to join her and some of the others for drinks. (At this point she did that little back arch thing so her boobs stood out. My dick jerked, so I know I’m still functioning properly.) I explained my situation and she looked a little disappointed. I suddenly felt very frustrated as she walked away, heels clicking on the tile, well shaped hips swaying underneath a black skirt. She has that long wavy hair that imitates a rolling sea, awesome reigns in moments of animalistic behavior. Aw, fuck!

Not ten minutes later, I’m asked to go hang out with a different group from the Cool kids. This time she’s a blonde, thicker curves, but those blue eyes that are just wicked with electricity. (A.G. think Kath’s eyes.) Again I explain that I’m stuck at work until all hours. Her response, “Well, think about it. We’ll be there a while.” She walks away, tight plaid skirt black tights and boots. What the fuck?

So there I am stuck in detention until 11:00 last night, my only company being Howie Mandel trying to give away one million dollars on one of the most inane game shows ever.

I burned off a bunch of sexual frustration with knee crunches and pushups, a prisoner in television industry jail. I still can’t do a cock push up. Give me time.

This has never happened before, why now? Maybe it’s a holiday spirit thing. Maybe it’s because I’m one of the few straight guys around the office. All I know is I’ve got to find a way to start sneaking out of detention.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

Enjoy.

Slice Tease

Here's a taste of my latest emmy nominated performance.


Who seems more excited, me or Cheryl Hines?

Body Armor

Well, my right side was completed today.

The left side is still being designed and will be started in a few weeks. If you do too much at once, it takes its toll on the immune system and I don’t want to be out of commission.

Will I post pictures? That just takes the surprise out of seeing me, right?

I will say I’m very satisfied with the work and it feels very natural to me. Like it was there all the time and only I could see it.

Daniel, my artist is also very happy with the results and thinks it’s some of the best work and most challenging that he’s had to do for a while. Most of the time it’s for cartoon characters or other such drivel.

He’s very excited about the left side as we continue to discuss it. It’s a very original piece and not something he has done before. Does that mean there is more of a risk to screw it up? Nope, he just finds the concept and visual style new. Drawing is drawing and as long as he feels comfortable with what he’s doing, I feel comfortable. I trust him and that’s the most important thing that you need when working with anyone.



Oh and here’s an inside secret. Those tattoos that you see on the small of a woman’s back. The one that Vince Vaughn comments that, "it might as well be a bulls-eye" in Wedding Crashers. Well, among serious tattoo artists they have labeled them as “tramp stamps”.



And knowing is half the battle.

Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Good

So I was in another comedy piece today, but instead of being opposite Megan, I was opposite Cheryl Hines.

For those of you who don’t know her, see the picture below.



Yep, she plays Larry David’s wife Cheryl on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Best of all, I got to dress up like a slice of pizza. I was used throughout the piece and we’ll see what makes it and what hits the cutting room floor, but it was cool to meet her. She’s a real sweet lady, incredibly funny and sharp with improv. She was whipping stuff out that was just great. It’s no wonder she holds her own on Curb.

She’s also very skinny and did a quick pelvic thrust into me and I could actually feel her pelvic bone smash my hip. I mean beanpole skinny.

Hopefully the piece will come out well and I’ll post it next week when it’s played.

So Logy

I can't believe how much of an effect this little guy has had on me.



Actually, since I know how much other types of molecules have had on me I guess I can.

I want a Diet Dew reeaaaal bad.

Fax This

Have I said how much I love my job?

I’ll clarify so no one will think I’ve been sipping at the kool-aid and starting to like it.

The job takes about as much skill as putting on velcro shoes. I’ve been praying that no one has been training a monkey in the back office to save money. It’s the opportunity of extras that I get to perform that really excites me.

I’ve just finished my second employee “profile” webisode and it turned out pretty good. The most important part was I really got to stretch my skills, put them to practice and find solutions to questions that most people gave up on.

Here’s a still image from it. The page comes out of the fax and then her image starts to talk. It’s a little cheesy and fake looking, but it does the job and most people are surprised when it happens.




I’m slowly getting a very solid reel together. It is varied and shows lots of technique and skill. It is really exciting to me. I dig the fact that I’ve created two pieces that are very different in tone and style. Plus they look pretty pro for being shot on a consumer camera, no scripts, no sound equipment and no light.


Dating note:

Eve, the writer who I had mentioned before, was doing some major flirting with me last Friday. She was fired that night. Not because of the flirting, a bunch of the writers were fired. That’s just my luck (because it's about me not getting laid and not a poor woman who's out of a job). Ironic, funny in a sick way and I’m sure there is a little karma thrown in for flavor.

God, I'm a selfish prick.

Body Armor:

Tomorrow is day one, then another appointment next Sunday and I’ll have completed my right side. That’s the smaller pieces of work. The big one on my left side is going to take several weeks and I have been told will cause a type of pain that I have not yet experienced in life. So I’ve got that to look forward to. What’s life without pain?

I’m not allowed to drink caffeine for 24 hours before or after. So I’m ass dragging like a hippo right now. I’m amazed at how much I depend on caffeine to keep me going. This may be the beginning of no caffeine for a while. I don’t like the feeling of being so dependant on it. Then again, take away that, what else have I got to be addicted to?

It's Halloween... Right?

A quick note. It's a funny thing about Hollywood and I mean the real Hollywood, not the mythic dream like town that society envisions.

In the real Hollywood, everyday is Halloween. It's a big night tonight and Sunset was crowded with partygoers as I was driving home around 10:30. The funny thing was no one really looked much different than the freaks I normally see prowling at this hour. There were more of them and a few had funny costumes, but most looked like your garden variety Hollywoodite. Or is it Hoolywoodian? Whack jobs with hair sticking in all directions and too much makeup on.

I'll need to go into the real city versus the myth sometime soon, it is more and more interesting the deeper I look at it, but for now you'll get nothing and like it.

Happy Halloween.

Chicken Nachos+5 Mile Jog=Bad News

I think I've boiled down to its essence with that formula.



I can't really make it clearer and I don't think you'd want me too. I know I don't.

So that's that.

Our Zombie World

It’s an interesting sociological view when you run a website that is geared towards daytime television viewers.

See, on the site we have some viewer participation sections. People can send in creative photos and artwork, or send in five pictures and a description about who you are as a person. Sure, whatever. What is interesting is the response. Everyone is, “weird or kind of crazy.” Those quotes indicate the way they describe themselves. They feel they are so original and offbeat, just a wacky fun original person, unlike anyone else. But they are all the same. There is the picture of them making a funny face and there is always a picture of their cat looking out the window as if it’s a true artistic expression.

“See how deep I am, I notice my cat pondering the universe and have caught it with a camera.”

I bet the cat is really saying, “Why the fuck am I a prisoner in this schmucks life. I used to roam the wild and fend for myself. Now I shit in a scented sandbox.”

Maybe I’m sounding bitter, but I feel that humanity has cheated itself out of really finding what is original in its life. People have taken what they think is original and creative, boxed it up and marketed it as individualism. A new form of the walking dead. The zombies who don’t know they are zombies.

Admittedly, these people are crucial to our society. They are a litmus test for true originality, but it also poses a problem. When someone really groundbreaking and original comes along, this person are usually pushed down and punished for it. If it doesn’t fit within the parameters of the group idea of originality then it’s alien and rejected. There are those that break through, but they are to few and too far between.

Listen, I am not one of these originals, I am more a part of the problem then the solution, but I’m aware of the problem so it’s a step in the right direction.



Really I just want people to stop sending pictures of their cats in. I think they are stupid and show no artistic merit. I give more credit to the fat girl that keeps sending in the photo of her Cheetos stained mouth smiling like an idiot with a two liter bottle of soda in her hand. Her message is simple, “I’m a fat chic who ain’t gonna stop. Pass the onion dip.”

She sends the picture once a week and my boss refuses to put it up on the site. She says it’s disturbing. It is, that’s what makes it so great, it’s real and encapsulates who we are today: Cheetos grinding, soda swilling, fat fucking zombies. Rock on humanity!

(Don’t take this as me feeling bad. I actually feel great and I love life right now. I just wanted to bitch a bit.)

Return Of Stoneface

This is my third Emmy worthy apperance.

Enjoy.



They are saving my fourth, the one that will rocket me to stardom, for sweeps. So keep your eyes peeled lightning bugs. This mad talent is goin' places, like the unemployment office.

Time Change=Bad Sign

Well, the show I’m working on has been moved to a new time slot. In the industry, this is a bad sign. Our ratings have never been that good, and this is one of those desperate attempts by the network to try and improve them. It very rarely works. What usually happens is the audience doesn’t follow the time change and the ratings sink even lower. It has worked on occasion, but very rarely. We’ll see.

So what does this mean for you humble narrator? Well, it could mean nothing, it could mean we’re cancelled in December, it could mean cancelled in May. I was banking on May so I could make friends and contacts to land me a gig next season, but who knows.

It’s funny how this works. It’s just the business I’m in. This show ends and off I go to find the next one. I think it’s a really good experience about living in the moment. I need to get all I can out of this now and enjoy it.

The future is always unpredictable and in the industry it is doubly so.

Stay tuned lightning bugs. This may take a wacky turn soon.

Just Droppin’ A Note

1. Sat in a VW tour bus and was pulled along with 18 other co-workers by the strongest man in the world.

2. Turned in a project that received a note that I didn’t agree with. I was pissed off and took it personally at first, then decided it was their show even though it was my project and made the necessary change. I was told one note is great news. Most projects are severely re-cut or dumped all together, so I should be happy. I’ll post my cut on the site in the near future.

3. I was asked to be in another comedy sketch. Due to union rules I can’t say anything, so I’m always just the guy sitting there with a Buster Keaton face while the host bounces around me acting like an idiot. This is the 4th one I’ve done and have been told they look for ways to use me. I’m flattered. Since I’m not a fan of my looks, I’ll just take it as a compliment. In my head I keep hearing the line from the Simpson’s, “I want T.V. ugly, not ugly ugly.” Which is a plus, right?

The Host is a lot cooler than I expected. She’s a comic book geek, which is always a plus, but off camera she’s very crude with her humor. She discussed the idea of letting her bush grow out and shaving the shows logo into it. I must have laughed for two minutes; it took me so off guard. We chat and have a good time playing off each other and her husband is a crack up. Good people are nice to come by. There are actually a lot of good people on the show, I’m just now starting to warm up to them and get in the groove. Hopefully we’ll make it a full season so I can get to know them better.

I also think one of the writers is flirting with me. I’ve lucked out in this case, since it is a woman and she is cute. She has stopped by the office out of the blue just to chit-chat and has started asking all of the questions about my back ground, relationship status, etcetera. She used to write on Will & Grace and is working on a sitcom idea, which I’ll ask more about soon and maybe get a chance to read some of her other projects. It could be fun to explore.

I’m going in today for my first body armor consultation. More on this as it develops.

I need to get over my poor self-image so I can live a little more. I’m moving in the direction I want and need to acknowledge that. I’m doing well, growing emotionally, getting in shape, saving money (for once), creating and have realistic goals. That’s more than a lot of people can say.

Walking With Purpose

So I was part of the AIDS Walk this morning with a group from work. I met a few interesting people.

The first was a group called Atheists United. I chatted with a couple of the members to see what a group like theirs does. It was exactly what you’d think. They meet and talk about how there is no God. But once a month they do have a free brunch. Apparently membership has been shrinking since the early 80’s. This is due to fewer recruits and other members dying off. Makes sense. They were nice, but not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed.

If you have pondered the way of the atheist, you can learn more at their web site: www.atheistsunited.org, or call them at 866-GODLESS. That’s the real phone number; swear to god, it says so right on the card the guy gave me.

Next I helped hold the banner up for the Latino Business Association. I found out that I don’t need to be a Latino to join. I just have to be willing to join. This kind of turned me off. If I’m going to be part of the LBA I want to know there is another Latino who’s got my back and not some pasty Irish guy who just wants to be invited to all the cool parties.

Then I met “The King”. This was an 80, year old homosexual who dresses up in a giant King outfit. It’s a real crazy lavish get up with feathers and a velvet cape, just insane. He said he does it because he had a friend who passed away from AIDS and never got the chance to go to Mardi Gras. The King dresses up and raises money for AIDS in honor of that friend. So guess how much this guy raised for this walk. $14,000! That’s some serious fund raising shit right there.

There were a few protesters who held signs that declared Homosexuality was a danger to out national security, something I never thought of and would be curious to hear the argument. I doubt they could get me to agree, but I find the thinking interesting. It’s like you find two things detestable, so you package them in a peanut butter cup of hate. Why rail against one thing when you can rail against two in the same sentence.

Here is mine: Stop cats from spreading country music!

Yeah, that one sucks.

We ending the walk by being greeted by transvestites who wanted to know if our boss was with us because they all think she’s great. They were disappointed to hear she wasn’t but were glad we were there to help out.

It was fun. I got to hang out with good people and get a six-mile walk out of it too. Plus I cured AIDS. Who knew it would be so easy.

Note Of Interest

I'm a person who suffers from kidney stones.

that means every so often I feel some pains in my side and lower back, then some time later I shoot a rock about the size of a small diamond out of my dick. It's fun. I recommend that everyone try it at least once.

Anyway, I had my first weight training session where we concentrated on the core yesterday. I've never really worked this area of my body before, but when I woke up today, I felt like my kidneys had shut down. The muscles in my lower back were so worked, my first though was I was working a brick through my kidneys.

So for those of you out there who have always wondered what core training is like, or the first stages of kidney stones are like, it's simple.

Core training feels like you're going into kidney failure or kidney failure feels like you've had a really good core workout.

It just depends on if you're a glass half empty or half full type of person.

T.V. Debut...Sort Of

Because I was on a game show as a child, this counts as my second television appearance, but my first network appearance.

Here I am being pushed around by my boss.

Enjoy.

Four This Time

Four things that caught my attention over the past three days.

The first two are quotes from work.

1. "Forget the dog, make it Christina Aguilera"- A producer shouting across the compound at work.

2. "So, tell me again why I'm paying for your friends to go to Disneyland?"- The second time this P.A. has had an issue with his girlfriend going to Disneyland. I'm beginning to wonder if it is actually drug code.

3. I saw Britney Spears and K. Fed in the drive through of Wendy's. What first caught my attention was a brand new Rolls Royce in the drive through. That is a sight that makes you check out who the hell is in a Rolls at a Wendy's. Then the Blonde pigtails in the passenger seat and the wigger behind the wheel helped seal the deal when I started taking a closer look. You can take the girl out of the trash, but you can't take the trash out of the girl. I myself was walking down to the highbrow eatery El Pollo Loco.

4. On my way back from The Crazy Chicken, I was stopped by a homeless guy asking for money. When I told him I had no cash he asked, "Could you get me some soap or deodorant?" I did take a moment to process this because a bum worried about his hygiene is worth taking a moment to consider. I then thought about my lunch beginning to coagulate and told him I couldn't help today, sorry.

Two Things

(If your Shea, skip #1)

One:

So I decided to stop talking to my ex for now. I had a couple of dreams last week and when I mentioned some of the things to her they said, she told me they were accurate. Things like that don’t happen to me. I’ve never had dreams that relate to actual life, they have always linked more to what is going on in my subconscious, you know like a real dream.

This has caused some odd fear in me especially the second dream, which was incredibly sad, and I knew there was nothing I could do for her. She has to learn about herself in her own way. She’s always been a forgetful person and self -analysis has been a challenge for her. So if the second dream is as accurate as the first one was, she’s going to be bad news for anyone she’s involved with unless she makes a drastic shift soon.

Two:

Apparently my good looks and on screen charisma has captured the hearts of the producers at work. I will appear in yet another skit on the show. They asked for that same style of stunning performance I gave last time. I had to reach deep inside to convey the true emotion of a guy who didn’t give a shit.

I think this one will be on later in the month. My first appearance takes place Monday and I’ll post a Youtube link later that day for your viewing pleasure.

Fine, three things.

Three:

Also I cut a piece that the EP’s (executive producers) really liked. Supposedly one of them stopped by to thank and congratulate me on it, but I was off acting. It was another one of those, here’s a bunch of footage what can you do with it assignments. So I did all right and have been given permission to start looking at putting together my own projects so I can have more control over the footage and content of the piece. My boss titled me “The Predator”. I didn’t know if I was supposed to be offended or not when she told me it stands for Producer-Editor. So hey, that’s pretty fucking cool. Now all I need is one of those invisible camouflage suits and Schwarzenegger’s head on a stake.