Blow Out My Candles

Today I turned 34. It’s pretty inconsequential in the B-Day spectrum. I’m told next year is going to be a bitch. I’ll let you know when it happens.

This is my 3rd birthday sober and that in itself is a little more interesting. I used to sit on the couch and get plowed. I didn’t go out and do anything, just get drunk and high and channel surf. The funny thing was I did that every day so it didn’t exactly make any of those birthdays special.

My first birthday sober was also my first day out of rehab. I had sushi, and good sex. I believe in reverse order.

My second birthday sober, I was thinking about my first birthday sober. I got a Fritz Lang box set of movies, had P.F. Chang’s, and good sex. I’m not sure about the order.

This being my third birthday, I’m buying myself a DVD, going to I-Hop for stuffed French toast and not having any sex. Huh… I’m sensing a downward swing on this one.

To be perfectly honest I’m not very good with sex anymore, anyhow. I’m not sure what happened exactly. I did seem to be better at it when I drank. it's probably a sensory thing. So as part of my ongoing education, I’ve started reading a better at sex book. I’ve no plans of putting it into practice. As a matter of fact, I bet the first time I get a chance to use these new tactics, I’ll forget, do the same old thing and as I’m driving home after feeling like a failure, I’ll remember the book. So it goes.


Now is a time for me to discuss my dislike for B-Day cards. They are not funny. Everyone walks down the aisles at Hallmark, picking up cards and every so often you hear a big laugh. I never laugh. The jokes are stupid. Usually some pun that deals with getting old or sex. I want to sit in on an interview for the writer at one of these card places.

Interviewer: Your resume says you worked on the, “Now that you’re getting old, you’re breasts are sagging” series for Humor Cards Inc.

Interviewee: Yes, I came up with the, “You can always use them as earmuffs” tag.

Interviewer: That’s good.

Interviewee: I also developed the “At least a dog can lick his own balls” series for Cardmart.

Interviewer: You're hired!!

See how you didn’t laugh at that. It’s because birthday cards aren’t fucking funny.

Please send any e-cards to my email listed on this blog.