Dysfunction Junction

I used the title because I thought it was cute. This event is definitely not in the dysfunction arena.

If you’re not into “Too Much Info” skip this one now.

So I wake up around two in the morning last night and I’ve got to pee like a race horse, but I’ve also got a huge erection. It’s one of those where you can actually feel the muscles around your dick straining. The kind that if you move it in any direction that isn’t perpendicular to your body you wince in pain.

Guys will get it. Girls will wonder what was turning me on so much.



(Erection side note for women: Since guys first hit puberty, there is not always a sexual reason for an erection. It just happens. Like our buddy just needs to stretch. I’m sure there is some scientific blood pressure, oxygenated, too much nitrogen sort of explanation for it. I have no idea what it is. Just understand however much you want to think that we get hard because we want to fuck, it’s not always the case. We simply don’t want to spoil an opportunity if it does get hard around you. See how it works?)


Now it is extremely complex for a guy to take a leak when he’s hard. Certain valves shut down and others open up for reproductive, pearl necklace purposes. So with pressure on my bladder and boner muscles working overtime, I’m in a decent level of discomfort.

I do the bend forward 45-degree shift hips to keep it from hurting too much. At this point it is important not too touch it for fear of a sexual response and remain hard. So I start thinking of things to bring it down. Since I’m not a sports fan I try to think of bad movie experiences, unattractive people having sex, my financial situation. The things that could cause a temporary depression and slow blood flow to my nether regions.

Well, it ain’t working. I’m standing in front of the toilet bent over and this thing is pulsing and straining like it’s going to jump off my body. My bladder, sensing there is a toilet near by has gone into over time and is tightening up wanting to relieve itself of all fluids. So basically, ”IT FUCKING HURTS!!!”

I reach in and pull it out of the fly in my boxers, so now I’ve got my dick jutting out, I’m pacing back and forth waiting for it to go down. I’m trying not to look in the mirror to see how ridiculous I look, but can’t help checking every so often so I can think, “Not bad.” This goes on for about three, maybe four minutes. I’m humming to myself and getting frustrated and the bladder pressure is getting so tense that I know when I will finally be able to piss, my body won’t do it.

Finally, I feel some declination. Is it enough? At this point I don’t care, I’ve got to pee. Again, I bend over doing basic physics in my head of angle versus projection rate to make sure I’m not going to hit anything but water and wait.

Waiting.

Still waiting.

Anytime.

It’s all you bladder. Do your thing.

Green means go. So go ahead.

I left my room at 2:03 to hit the bathroom. I lay back down at 2:17. Do the math.

My stomach muscles felt like some abusive Shaolin monk had pounded them with bricks. I couldn’t move. At some point, I drifted off to sleep.

So how did you start off your 9/11?


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