The Head Doth Spinith

So Aaron and Barabra had the baby. Last night near midnight. They had to cut her open because that kid refused to come out.

He weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces. That’s a big fucking kid. This kid was so large, that the infant diapers the hospital provides were actually stretched to the limit. He’s a large child, end of story.

So I drove down to the hospital and sat in the waiting room for several hours. I saw Aaron once who showed me some digital photos that had been taken. He was cute, even with the baby gooey stuff and red splotches all over him.

Aaron had changed. There was instantly something different about him. His gait, the way he moved, it was a proud father thing. I haven’t seen him look that happy… ever? Well, I’ve seen him really happy, but this had all sorts of other things going on, so it was the only time I’ve ever seen him looking like that.

I’ll post a picture if I ever get one.

Enough about being happy for other people. This is my blog, so lets get back to important stuff. Me!

I have a lot going through my head right now and I know there are several factors. The baby being one of them: It is a reminder of my own shortcomings and how I’ve screwed up in the past. It brought up a lot of issues that made me feel like a failure in several departments. Part of me looks to Aaron to be that redemptive part. I screwed up, but I can take joy in the fact that he won’t. Living through other people, nothing better.

I came off the Wellbutrin yesterday and I’m starting to feel the effects wearing off today. It is a general splitting of the mind where all parts want to fight with each other. I have had several fictional fights with people in my head. No reason, just wanted to argue with them. The best part is I never won. I always saw the error in my own argument and had to back down. I can’t even win a fight in my own head. That may be a good thing. It shows I’m not delusional enough to forgo logic, right? Or I’m just a push over, you decide.

The third thing that has made an impact is lack of sleep. I have actually slept less over the last three days than Aaron or Barabra. They actually got to fall asleep late last night where as I didn’t. I napped from about 5 to 7 this morning, but that was it. So I’m really loopy. Don’t know why I haven’t slept, just toss and turn for a bit then say, “Screw it!” and watch a movie.

My phone just rang and it was yet another job rejection. So that’s helpful to my mood. This too shall pass.

The good news is I haven’t started smoking yet, I’ve reached my initial goal of 165 pounds and I feel really good physically. It’s a start and that’s all you need to get going.

Peace out y'all.