A Little L.A. Love

There are plenty of things to dislike about this town; the biggest being is it’s just not that attractive. Instead I’d like to point out three things that I’ve seen recently that make this a real stand out place.

1. Back stage at work, I got to see a monkey outside of his cage just sit there on the ground looking bored. It was like he worked a hard day and just wanted to go home and get drunk. No looking around like, “Isn’t this crazy?” Just a bored monkey who would have lit up if he smoked. He did take time to scratch his balls through his diaper, proving that teamsters are descendants of monkeys.


2. I was walking home from the gym and passed Spiderman and Darth Vader drinking Big Gulps and debating about who owed what part of the cable bill. I never would have thought that good and evil could cohabitate the same domicile. Darth had his mask up so he could drink his soda easier, but Spidey was drinking his through the mask, so this wet stain slowly grew around his mask. Everything you want in a hero.



3. This is the one that I just put together today. The teenage female tourist. A family will come to check out Hollywood and it’s a very standard scene. Dad is in shorts and a t-shirt displaying where they have already visited (Disney Land, Universal Studios, etc.). He’ll have a camera; sunglasses, a baseball cap and a disgruntled look on his face. Mom wears shorts, a white blouse, a gigantic sun hat and a smaller camera to catch the moments that dad refuses to photograph. The son comes in two varieties. The little kid who is decked out in all sorts of Hollywood memorabilia has a ring of chocolate and assorted sweets around his mouth and looks like a speed freak from all of the sugar. Or he is the disenfranchised teenager who acts like he doesn’t want to be there, wears a Metallica shirt for a concert he never went to and jeans that hang low to show off his underwear. Now the daughter. Always in her mid-teens and is dressed to the hilt. The tight dress, makeup in full glamour mode, the latest in sunglasses and foot ware. They also walk like their ass is a metronome. It clicked this morning that they are thinking “Discovery” . They want to be ready in case some agent or movie star sees them at The Hamburger Hamlet and thinks, “Who is that girl? She’s a star in the making!” It’s cute, because they don’t know you’ll never see anyone famous on the boulevard. All right, that’s not entirely true, you can frequently catch Martin Short polishing his star on the walk of fame. That guy has celebrity disease like no one else.

This is the stuff that, in one week, you'd only see in Los Angeles