Smoke This

I would like to quit smoking. This is easier said than done. I have stopped in the past, my record being about six months, but I’m finding it very hard this time.

I’m up to about a pack a day. If you look at it from a financial standpoint it’s $1,825 a year. That’s nothing to laugh at. A real chunk of change if you have an income of $0.00

That alone should encourage me to stop. But it’s not enough. Funny how I’ve been able to stop drinking and drugs, but smoking (I know it’s a drug) has been tough. Part of it is out of habit; part of it is chemical reaction.

The hardest part for me is figuring out what to do if I’m not smoking. If I need a second to think, light up a smoke. If I need to escape from work for a couple of minutes, take a smoke break. Get in the car and my hands instinctively go for the pack. It’s what they do. See what I’m saying by habit. Pavlov has trained a dog to smoke when the bell rings and it’s name is John.

I keep telling myself I’ll quit when certain things happen. When I get a full time job, I can quit. When Monday starts, I’ll quit. When I finish this pack, I’ll quit. When the weather cools down so I can go walking more, I’ll quit. It’s just a bunch of lies. I know it and I keep telling myself they aren’t.



That Nicorette gum is a joke. You’re trading one habit for a more expensive habit. That gum ain’t cheap.

The patch makes me feel weird and I keep wanting to scratch it. It’s like a scab I become obsessed with.

I’d like to treat this like my alcoholism. Step one is admitting I have a problem. Where does that leave me? Yep, I’ve got a problem. I can’t stop from picking up a cigarette.

There is also the part of me that doesn’t want to stop. Will I start gaining weight that I’ve worked hard to get rid of in the first place? Will I have to work harder to lose the weight I still have to lose? What will I do when I feel stressed out or need a moment to stop and think? Who am I quitting for? At this point I have no life and not much of a future, I might as well keep it up.

Excuses, all of these things are excuses.

I’m a smoker who doesn’t want to smoke, but I’m unwilling to put the proper energy into quitting. Sounds like a weak person to me.

You want to know the worst part of this? As soon as I finish writing, I’m lighting up. Not because I really want a cigarette, but because I’ll just grab one out of habit.