Meet John When He's Losing It.

No, there is no purpose to life. There is no grand design. We’re born, we live, we die. Kind of a downer, no?

What does it mean? What is it that I’m searching for? If I don’t realize my dream, does that mean I have wasted my life? Should I stop now, find a job that pays well but would never satisfy me? I could spend my free time going out and partying. Find a girlfriend that enjoys being crazy and just enjoy the time I have left.

I’m sounding like a whack job right now I know. But it’s just what’s going on in my head. I’m starting to think that there really is no reason to pursue my dreams anymore. I’m getting older and dreams are for the young.

I’ve sacrificed a lot for dreams. I’ve screwed up a lot and have a lot of regret. Therefore if I don’t continue, have I caused all this pain for nothing?

I have a son who turns 10 this year. I haven’t seen him in about 8 years. (See, I’m a prick. I’ve said it before and I will always be able to prove it.) I blew it. I missed out on helping raise a child. I do believe he was better off not having an abusive addict father around. That’s why I left. Had I been able to see then what I’ve seen now, I’d have cleaned up my act back then. But this is how it’s happened, so this is how it is. A head full of regret and a pocket full of empty dreams.

Jesus my head is messed up right now. I feel like I am unworthy of anything or anyone. My self-esteem is so far in the gutter I wonder if I’ll ever get it back.

When I drank and drugged, I didn’t care what people thought, so I was able to really cut loose. I said what I felt and just went for it. Now it’s a whole different story. I have feel like the worlds biggest loser.

I’ve lost my edge. I want it back, but don’t know where to find it. I’m a coward.

I’ve become so pathetic my last girlfriend dumped me after I cleaned up.

I need to go to a meeting.

I need to find my confidence.

I’m so scared and lost right now I can’t even see straight.

I’ve got one friend that I’m I.M’ing with as I write this. He’s telling me to start drinking and drugging again. Nice friend, huh?

So here I am with my thoughts going crazy and I already no there is no answer.

Here’s my big book quote that I was just sent: We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

That’s good, cause I’d never make perfection. Tonight I’m not even making an inch of progress.

So ends the ramblings of a crazy man.

I’ll try to write something fun soon. Promise.