My ex-girlfriend has started dating again. I knew it was going to happen. I knew when we split it was going to happen for both of us. We’d both start seeing other people.
I wonder if I had beaten her to the punch if I’d feel as bad. Of course I wouldn’t. I’d be, “Hey, glad to see you’re going on with your life.”
So I’m basically feeling like a total loser right now. All that is popping into my head is the time she told be I was a loser and then quickly revoked it because it was said out of anger. But part of me feels it’s what she really thinks.
I have been trying to do things differently this time. Trying to remain friends and not go off the handle like I used to in the past. The actions that I feel like taking are different then the actions I am taking. It doesn’t curb the pain, but at least I know I’m not making it worse than it is.
I’ve been told to let it go. That’s a phrase that people always tell you when you’re in pain or angry at something, “Let it go.” Is there a secret to this? Is there a switch that you flip and a door opens inside and it’s let go?
I want her to be happy, but of course there is that part that says, “I want you to be happy with me.”
And to let you know, I am not a loser. I have fucked up plenty in my life, but if you can say you haven’t you’re a liar. All right, I’ve fucked up a little more than average and I’ve caused more pain and suffering than I should have, but I’ll accept responsibility for that. Yeah I did it and I’m the one who has to live with it. Every day I think about things I’ve done and say, “fuck, what an idiot.”
Have I learned from it? Sure. Does it make living with my actions easier? Sometimes, but not always.
One friend told me that ex means just that EX. Two hash marks that block that person from your life. You don’t need to have anything more to do with them. Take ‘em off the Christmas card list.
It is something that I would like to do, but can’t. I don’t want to let go of a person who has meant so much to me. She is someone who helped me and stood by me when I was at my lowest point in life. I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for her support and love I’d be dead or insane today. That is an honest reply and not some reactionary emotion to my current state.
But life is what it is. I have no control over it. I was told in A.A. that the only things I have control over are my attitude and my outlook. So I’ll work on that for a while.
This pain has been brought to you by, Moxie Elixir.
When you really want to eat shit… try Moxie.
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