The Mystery Of Toilet Paper

I have this weird thing where I keep track of toilet paper usage.

I used to live with three women and I was the one who always bought the TP. Every so often one of the girls would bring home a roll they had liberated from work and acted like they were doing there part, but they knew it was bullshit. I took it as a token that at least they understood we went through a lot of toilet paper.

So now I have a male roommate and I figure the TP thing isn’t going to be as big of a deal. I go out and pick up a 24 pack uber huge rolls that should get us through a month.

It’s been a week and a half and we are down to the last quarter of a roll. What the fuck is up with that? Where is all the TP going?

This is a very OCD thing to futz over, but I can’t help wondering. I did a roll count a couple of days a go and within twenty-four hours, two rolls of TP had been used.

It is weird, right? I’m not being some TP nazi wanting to control the distribution of each sheet, am I?

Anyway, I come home tonight and the roomie has gone to work. I go into the bathroom to take a leak and there is about a half a roll of TP in the toilet. I’m not exaggerating this. It was a thick layer of toilet paper about an inch and a half deep acting like a crust to the water in the bowl. Idiot that I am, I try to flush it and make a bigger mess. So I strategically figure out how to hold back amounts of the paper with the plunger, allowing only small amounts to be flushed away t a time without causing a clog. It took somewhere between 10 to 15 flushes to get it all down.

So why? Why does he use so much paper? Does he make one of those ass gaskets to sit on everytime he uses the toilet? Doe he mummify his hand to wipe his ass? Does her jerk off and blow a quart every time he ejaculates? I thought he might use the cardboard tube to stroke his dick and then uses the entire roll to clean up. A little twisted, but hey, it’s a hole.

Plus, this is a mystery that will never be solved. I’m not going to ask why he uses a truckload of TP o a daily basis. That’s his life, not mine and I need to respect that..

Out of this bizarre observation I’m pondering some scientific experiment where I can mark the levels of paper used each day and then graph it. Days he works versus nonworking days, weekdays versus weekends, nights vs. days, etcetera.

I really need a hobby.